If you were mine.

If you were my team, and me your man, what would it be like?

Mohali Kings XI Punjab (KXP): Personally congratulate whoever recruited the threesome of Sangakara, Jayawardene and their old coaching mate, Tom Moody. Together, the three are like a 3-for-1 good whiskey buy at the Duty Free. At the team meeting, repeat this metaphor, raise a toast, drink straight up but not wantonly hurl glass over shoulder a la Aristotle Onassis.

Let Yuvraj Singh be, though the occasional bear hug would not go amiss after a win. Praise Yuvraj’s spontaneous runaway train celebrations. Screen these at post match parties. Prior to the IPL kickoff, recommend Sreesanth for therapy. Pick the tab.

Delhi Daredevils (3D): First, a one-to-one with Virender Sehwag - what makes him tick, what ticks him off. Empower Sehwag: communicate the difference between empower and n-power, the English cricket sponsors. Expect Sehwag to say he gives a hoot, in Hindi. Laugh it off.

Balance the excess of Sehwaglike swashbucklers with one-two finishers; as Gambhir, Dhawan, AB deVilliers, Malik all love the last action hero bit as much as Viru. Play wicket takers like Amit Mishra regardless of the wicket. Empower McGrath. Refrain from calling him a mentor as it’s a bad word in Indian cricket. Instead call him McGrath Mamu.

Jaipur Rajasthan Royals (RR): Wait. Watch. Continue watching. Make sure that computers stay out of Warne’s way. Apply for more team franchises called the Rajasthan Royals II and the Rajasthan Loyals. Clone Shane Warne, Shane Watson, Yusuf Pathan, Sohail Tanvir and their ilk. Wait. Watch.

Kolkota Knight Riders (KKR): Ensure nobody is bigger than Saurav Ganguly. Make Dada play the lead in KKR promos but keep choreographers at bay, save the dance for short balls. Do not sign up players who will be here today, gone tomorrow. Ensure Dada speaks to the Chief Minister and earns that Entertainment Tax waiver. Instead of sending some boys home to save costs, send everybody home, and save even more costs. Provide P.G. accommodation in away games. Or request players to stay with relatives.

Mumbai Indians (MI): Recommend Bhajji for therapy. Do not recommend Bhajji for captaincy. Even if Sachin Sir says so. Ensure Jayasuriya plays a centrifugal role in all games. Ditto for Pollock. When Sachin returns to the fold, ensure Sanath and Shaun are not undermined – tap their energy, negate Bhajji’s negativity. Pick his tab. Also call the team Mumbai Alliance Reliance. MAR for short! Theme song: MAR dallah!

Bangalore Royal Challengers (BRC): Ensure cronies do not impart cricket lessons to Dravid or team in private or via press releases. Win Dravid’s confidence (as Greg Chappell did), and set the team’s course with him – eliminate non T20 players one by one. Recreate a team with Misbah ul Haq, Cameron White and Rajasthan Royals’ styled rookies – transport Dravid to the zone. Praise Dravid in spite of defeats; blame them on heady partying with Kingfisher and Royal Challenge. Create a rival cricket league where cricketers play under the influence. Brand it as Influence AAAh!

Hyderabad Deccan Chargers (DC): Personally and publically thank VVS Laxman for his troubles re: that icon issue. Take a leaf out of those Miss Universe speeches, declare one cannot be made an icon. But like beauty you either have it or you don’t. And VVS is an icon from within. Hire Aishwarya Rai for a prohibitive sum to endorse the sentiment. When the team’s performance wanes, extend further support: claim like beauty and being an icon, performance too lies within. And you can’t put a good player down for long. Target the next season. Meanwhile, look to sell out. Request VVS if he can help reduce costs further.

Chennai Super Kings (CSK): Inform M.S. Dhoni he’s in charge. Hope he stays in charge. Unleash propaganda that a strong Chennai Super Kings means a strong M.S. Dhoni - which means a strong Indian team - which means all Indian players in all franchises should strengthen M.S.D’s resolve. Request Krish Srikanth to create Live full-fledged family soap operas to distract from any defeats.

Winning Positions.

WINNING POSITIONS.

or

Win from any position.

A retired boxer told me this story over a beer.

That he could now beer certified retirement.

Previously, when he boxed he could only watch others beer.

Maybe that’s why he retired. But that’s not the story.

This is:

Some dirty dozen years back, a British middleweight boxer was desperate to win.

So desperate that he was prepared to do the unthinkable: he was ready to box a win into his head!

What’s that? How do you, eh, box a win, into your head, sir?

First, sit in a comfortable chair in a dimmed room.

Make sure you are not lying down as that increases the chances of falling asleep, which is not the goal of hypnosis.

Hypnosis did you say?

That’s right, the boxer had himself hypnotized.

He heard strange voices in his head. These strange voices went something like this: “I will have vengeance, I will be victorious”

Come to think of it, they can be monotonous when heard repeatedly, but not for this boxer.

Come boxing day (not December 26th in this case), our boxer was still under the spell.

Once into the fight, he was well out of it. Down for the count, but up again. And that went on and on. Round after round. Down, up. Up, down.

Clearly he was hearing that voice in his head. He was under the winning charm.

And then, out of nowhere, he swung one into his opponent’s head, and that was that.

Hypnosis had worked. He had won. From a highly unlikely position; or as Shane Warne’s Rajasthan Royals, he too believed, “win from all positions”.

It started as a joke when the Rajasthan franchise didn’t even use its allocated funds at the auction. Next, much retired Shane Warne as both captain and coach. Sounds familiar?

In a nation that picks poster-boy batsmen as captains, Anil Kumble was the last resort.

That Kumble could think was not a prerequisite. That Tendulkar wasn’t game, clinched it.

Coming from that history, it takes a lot for India to understand the almost hypnotic stranglehold Warnie has on his wards.

Ok, he can captain, so what? Possibly, Tendulkar being buddies with Warne creates bigger headlines here. Those “nightmares of Sachin’s Sharjah sixes” are Warne’s favourite bytes to the media, and how they lap it up. So, he knows what you want to hear. What else?

He’s a straight shooter –made no qualms about his less than amorous relationship with then Aussie Coach John Buchanan. Or for that matter, with Saurav Ganguly during their recent IPL encounter.

But still he’s a little thin on skipper-lore: Hampshire county captain, a ten odd ODI winning streak in Steve Waugh’s absence, and he becomes the best captain Australia never had?

Does that negate the pre-World Cup drugs fiasco that his mummy prescribed? Or is that non-cricketing too?

In many ways, Warne’s persona is beyond that of a mere cricketer. His stature, deeds, misdeeds, seeds sown, and what he has reaped, are in the realm of rock star royalty. When alleged romantic liaisons extend beyond a record wicket tally, the Rajasthan Royals and Hampshire lads must be in no less in awe of Warne than say, London’s lasses were of the Beatles and the Stones in the 60s (and not in their 60s)

It’s not just that Warne has this coolness about him, but he can still play top draw cricket. He can think, talk and walk that talk. He’s in the zone. But there is no zonal bias – he’s comfy arming around Paki keeper Akmal on the bench, with an aside, a joke, just one of the mates. At the same time, when he sits in the dugout, he’s assertive enough to tell his mates to vacate a seat to have two for you know who!

In a way, there’s a bit of Warne in M.S. Dhoni too. To realise that you’re not just a cricketing nerd, but there’s life beyond cricket. Look what that thinking did for Saurav Ganguly’s career.

Win from all positions – doesn’t matter if it’s Round 2 or 8, whether you’re down for the count or winning on a canter,

And when His Master’s Voice deigns to speak to his flock, are they are mesmerized? Hypnotized?

Do they stand up on their benches like school kids, reciting in unison, “O Captain! My Captain!”

Five wins on the trot, top of the League, does it even matter if they win or lose from here?

Regardless of what happens next, Warne has used his team’s Ninja like invisibility to its advantage.

You never know when, how or who will strike.

But strike they will.

Question is which team has the Samurais to take them on?

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