19th Nervous Breakdown.

Go on, abuse Harbhajan Singh.

It’s politically correct.

Call him names. Call him big, bad dirty Hinglish names. Names that would have made Bhajji proud.

Bhajji is no saint. A while back he said Gilchrist was no saint.

Where did that come from? Ok, that was Australia, Sydney, Symonds, monkey, teri ma ki. Is Australia relevant?

From India’s favourite son, beholder of national pride, he is now a human stain. A cricketing untouchable.

And unlike in the Aussie chapter, this time, action was swift. An eleven match IPL ban, and Bhajji’s fifteen minutes of fame were over.

But why did it come to this?

Weren’t the telltale signs always there – in Australia, in the South Africa series, in the dressing room? Of course, what happens in there stays there.

Is Bhajji alone responsible? Was he so potent a power that Sachin Tendulkar, M.S. Dhoni, Lalchand Rajput, Garry Kirsten just let him be.

What about Anil Kumble? What was his take on Bhajji’s theatrics in the last two test series? Or was he neutralised like some of the village elders?

Isn’t Bhajji one of M.S. Dhoni’s ablest lieutenants in both the T20 and one-day games -what was his take all along?

What was our take? What was the media’s take? Did we give a damn, as long as Bhajji was proven not guilty in Australia?

Who else has been undermined in the past? Why did Dravid resign as test captain? Kumble over Bhajji for Dravid; Bhajji over Kumble for Ganguly. Why do we continue to hear talks of favouritism?

And now Bhajji v/s Sreesanth. North v/s South. Welcome to IPL.

And why was Harbhajan Singh made Mumbai Indians’ captain? In the absence of Sachin Tendulkar, did a team called “Indians” demand a provocative Indian player as its first face? While foreign veterans Shaun Pollock and Sanath Jayasuriya were overlooked, Bhajji was at best a popular choice. The selection disregarded his short fuse, flawed people skills, and penchant for pangas.

The same Bhajji who suffers anxiety attacks when he doesn’t strike early. A common refrain when he comes on to bowl: “needs an early wicket”. Or else.

And when that early wicket eludes, watch the shoulders twitch, droop, fall – followed by an uneasy grimace at missfields, another nervous breakdown at a dropped catch. As if the catch dropped was a personal attack on his virility.

Imagine then, what erupts when Sreesanth missfields or drops a catch off Bhajji’s bowling? Lord have mercy.

The irony of Bhajji being his own worst enemy is not lost in this: first, he overestimated his own capabilities and accepted the Mumbai Indians’ captaincy. The first few defeats set the bomb ticking, the last one, ironically against Kings XI Punjab, exploded in his face.

Looking at Bhajji operate, you sense the world is his enemy. Looking at Sreesanth act, you sense he’s the world’s enemy. One perception leads to the other, and finally, the two cricketers persecute themselves, with or without the help of others.

It’s no surprise then that two players, so similar, almost craving for the world’s attention, could not coexist in the same team. And while their craft of pace and spin, is as dissimilar, as North and South, they almost appear to be threatened by the others one-upmanship.

A telling difference between the two, Singh at 27, is a ten year veteran in world cricket, while Sreesanth at 25, made his international debut in 2006.

Yet somehow the two continue to act like squabbling six year olds. “Gimme my bat, that’s my ball…WACK!!”

And if that is the case, reform school cannot be far behind. For, to punish them with match bans and set them lose again will be wrong on both Indian cricket and the two players.

Here’s a rare opportunity for Indian cricket: to make two wrongs right.


Suggested listening:

19th Nervous Breakdown by Rolling Stones
Paper Tiger by Beck

DELHI DAREDEVILS DEMAND YOUR ATTENTION!

Delhi in my belly!

Delhi in my belly!

“Next time you buy free tickets, take me also!”

That’s Vasudev, who turned seven in March, and an IPL backer in April.

I had every intention of taking him for Delhi Daredevils’ first game at the Feroz Shah Kotla.

Fact is, I had every intention of taking a lot of people.

One guy backed out because he was watching soccer.

Others were either babysitting their kids or their wife’s guests.

Guess both take a lot of handling, and don’t come naturally to men.

Both cause a lot of men to miss a lot of games.

But not the guy who made it: he didn’t have any kids. He didn’t have any wife’s guests. Heck, he didn’t have any wife. Not yet.

Fits that his company is called Happily Unmarried then?

Anyway, the reason for inviting him was somewhat selfish. The three T20 games we had watched together (2 vs. Pak and 1 vs. Oz in the World Cup), we won. And the solitary T20 thrashing in Australia, we watched in isolation.

I assumed with master Happily Unmarried as company, the Delhi Daredevils would win too. I hadn’t realised that in the Rajasthan Royals, the IPL had the perfect ingredient for a successful tournament: a minnow.

First, everybody will bash the Royal’s up, and then almost Bangladesh like, they will upset all equations by beating the best team (as in the South Africa or chokers of the tournament). Imagine the surprise when Rajasthan Royals beat Kolkata Knight Riders. Where will Shah Rukh Khan and his wonderfully gifted entourage hide?

I looked for a red ‘n’ black tee. Not quite Delhi Daredevil gear; but then, I wasn’t prepared to invest in them as yet.

Of course that changed once I put on my red ’n’ black tee. I had taken the colour- combo oath – the full import of which kicks in when you’re on the ground. With McGrath, Sehwag and Vettori in the same colours.

They are one of you. You are one of them. It feels just fine. Put on a show for me - beat the hell out of royalty. Power to the masses!

But it’s a little more complicated. How do you reason Kaif being knocked over by a firang? Do you still think, a bad T20 club performance can effect his test chances? Or say, if Raina rocks, will he enhance his India chances?

Once the game starts though, you abandon all that muddled thought. You are sucked in by the partisan crowd, hell, you become the partisan crowd. You enjoy, for once, being just a face in the crowd. Being invisible in a metaphorical sea of red ‘n’ black. The red-black sea, eh?

The high point of the game is much delayed. It’s when Delhi’s icon player, Virender Sehwag takes strike – and blasts one straight over mid on. You realise, if you hadn’t before, you’re in Delhi. And Sehwag is Delhi, as Tendulkar is Mumbai, Ganguly is Calcutta, and Laxman is Hyderabad. Never mind about M.S. Dhoni and Shane Warne. They are something too: mercenaries?

Three balls and two more fours later Sehwag is out. Frankly felt like walking out then. But then, you don’t walk out on your team. No matter what.

So, I stuck it out. And though Delhi won handsomely, or rather, Rajasthan lost ugly, it wasn’t a great game to watch.

But then, when you watch 9 out of 10 games, prepare for the odd heartbreak, even when you win.

Later, long after the game, way past midnight, the Rajasthan Royal’s team bus was blocked off by an errant Delhiwallah’s badly parked car. After a bad evening, the Royals were now having a worse night.

Looks like we Delhiwallahs sure like to rub it in.

Less than 20 words.

3 ball high, 1 ball low. Sehwag’s out. Glad it was a free pass.

more than 20 words

Soviets and lefties.

Looks like India won the battle and didn’t lose the war either. When you win the last test in a series it’s an altogether different high - be it to seal or square a series or pick some hand-me-downs from the Aussies in a dead rubber. In dead rubbers, it appears, the Aussies go get a manicure – and choose not to dirty their hands with the efforts of a scorecard inspiring 4-0 win. 2-1 will do, thanks mate.

So while the Aussies pound teams in the virginal days of a series, it’s full time commitment that puts them off. Except when it’s the English they’re deflowering. That’s when even five-nil is an understatement. You have to delve into details. How many innings’ defeats? How many ten-wicket wins? Are the pommies scarred for life? Will they make it for the next Ashes?

And that is what separates two teams in a series, even when they are locked at one all. Like India-South Africa. Who, in Rameez Raja speak, dented the others’ confidence quite badly?

Even though India had the last laugh, what about Ahmedabad? Why did it happen? Does it necessitate a complete breakdown –followed by a rehab visit to get all cleaned up - to bounce back again?

Is team India just a motley crew of gifted cricketers put together– the Soviet Union of cricket. Also consider India’s policy on no-first-use of nukes! Hit us, then we’ll hit back, only harder.

Over to the Bong bombshell Saurav Ganguly, who’s nearly hooked up with the potential of his big box office debut. And though he didn’t chart a century at Kanpur, it set Sauravspeak in motion: his best innings, he says. Or did he mean, “one of”. Not as in “one off”. Either way, Dada was on: a left handed VVS Laxman.

Of the other lefties, Irfan Pathan wasn’t playing, Piyush Chawla got two wickets (and then wasn’t playing) and with Yuvraj Singh, the promoters wangled a 32 run item number.

Who’s left?

Gambhir for Jaffer?

Also don't be surprised if IPL performances decide the odd test slot.

By the way, Suresh Raina bats left handed too.

We’re No. 2.
Do we try harder?

What’s common between the No. 2 car rental company in the 1960s and the No. 2 test cricket team in 2008?

They’re both No. 2. Apart from that, not much.

While Avis, America’s No. 2 car rental company, came to terms with its rank, India, the world’s No. 2 test nation, isn’t quite there yet.

When Avis cracked its brilliant ad campaign in the 60s, it first faced facts: it was No.2, not No.1. And to be No.1, it must first consolidate as No.2.

Meanwhile, after India’s first ever test win at Perth, it was presumed, somewhat prematurely, that India will soon be No.1. This was constantly communicated by the power brokers of Indian cricket. Nowhere was it mentioned how India would be No. 1, it was just assumed. Possibly because when you’re climbing, after No.2 it’s No.1. No negative thoughts of shaky ground that can make No. 2 slide.

Avis made no bones about their No. 2 ranking, and saw a big-time opportunity in it: a cult advertising idea was born: We’re No.2. We try harder.

And try harder they did. It was the little things like, “cleaner ashtrays” and “shorter queues” they harped on about. Stuff that struck a chord. Better still, they stuck to their promises. And that’s how they delivered. They became a stronger, more credible No.2. And even threatened the No. 1 car rental company, Hertz.

Today, while India retains its No. 2 ranking, it plays more like No. 3 or 4 on most days. In the last series in South Africa, form and a 1-0 lead was squandered. Ultimately, India lost that series 2-1. Appears India’s surprise at winning their first ever test there overwhelmed this bunch of underachievers. Against a rudderless Pakistani side, India at home, barely managed a test series win.

Is team India just a motley crew of the most gifted cricketers assembled together– the Soviet Union of cricket?

When Avis started its “we’re No. 2” ad pilgrimage, it ensured every employee across the United States was on the same page. For India, having one team on the same book is a tall order. Then what must it be like to have three teams play under two different captains?

So, what can the Indian test learn from Avis’ “We’re No. 2. We try harder” campaign

1. Accept the truth: you are not close to No. 1 yet
2. To become No. 1, you first have to be a potent No. 2.
3. To be a potent No. 2, you have to be a world-beater –that is, do more things right than wrong – i.e. win more than you lose.
4. Accept graciously that you’re just about No. 2 today – one good session for South Africa on the 3rd day, and they might have been No. 2. And one session is not enough to separate two teams.
5. Is it possible there is not a team worthy of being No. 2? Instead there are two No. 3 teams.
6. The opposition is not within the team, it is the opposing team.
7. Introspect, ask questions. If ad legend, Bill Bernbach had not asked the folks at Avis any questions, there would never have been any answers.
8. Innovate. Do not copy Australia. Just like Avis did not ape Hertz. Find your own way to beat the best.
9. Every little counts. From “clean ashtrays” and “shorter queues” in the Avis way – to better fitness, improved fielding, running between wickets and overall attitude.
10. Respect the customer – i.e. respect the cricket fan, they make you possible.
11. Try harder.

And an aside, not from the Avis school of thought, but from the Indian cricket school:

Respect your seniors. One day you may play as a senior too. Never know what happens, when you try harder. Ask Saurav Ganguly.

Swap Analysis.

How would it feel to switch loyalties before the final test match at Kanpur? That is, to spell the betrayal in words, become a South African supporter.

For one, you will cease to be part of cult support groups like the wonder bra camp, the Aussie Fanatics, English Barmy Army, Bharat Army, Chachcha ki fauj (Pakistani) or the Anonymous fan club that supports Sri Lankan, West Indies, New Zealand, Bangladeshi and Sehwag’s cricket.

By supporting South African cricket you will enter the realms of many World Cup knockouts that the Proteas lost, which on form they should have won.

But at Kanpur there won’t be any Duckworth Lewis equation to cause their downfall.

Also Alan Donald, Shaun Pollock and Lance Klusener don’t play the national side anymore.

Klusener however, is still pivotal in losing lost-games that he nearly wins – now for his ICL Club, the Kolkotta Tigers. But that’s Klusener for you. The nearly there man. Mr. Almost. Master Stop short!

Of course, baby faced Boucher the mathematician is still there. He’s partly the D/L man that got some vital statistics wrong. May be he overlooked the fine print next to an Asterix. And though he helped chase down a record 400 odd versus Australia, some demons never leave you.

Then there is Jacque Kallis. He’s been there. But somehow you don’t quite remember him from those worst of times that could have been the best of times.

It’s usually the beaten down faces of Cronje, Pollock, Klusener, Boucher, Gibbs. Right Gibbs isn’t there either, so that’s one choker less, whose droppings drop world cups no less.

But look back a few months, and the choking spirit is still intact. Graeme Smith and his not so merry men mucked up that World Cup twenty20 game against yours untruly, India.

That time though, there was no Kallis. And Smith went blue in the face when asked if they were, “Jaqued” without Kallis.

Kanpur though, is no T20 or one-day world cup game. It’s a test match of far less interest. The stakes, if any, are not Bollywoodesque . The IPL is round the corner. The iconic Indians will do their gig then.

If you are a punter, then it’s South Afrikaaa!

If you are India, for once in the series you should think team selection – ask yourself, what irks the South Africans most - Australians and leg spinners? So even if you can’t play Shane Warne and Rickie Ponting – what’s the next best irritation?

Piyush Chawla and your cockiest batsman. Attention: Yuvraj Singh. It’s the last test of a home series. Come on over for a second helping.

More than beating a winning team, the South Africans can’t beat a winning attitude.

And on second thoughts, I’ll stick with Bharat’s Badmashes. Hopefully, so will the team selection. Over to good Friday.

Average Guys.

“You have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found wanting.” - when Graeme Smith declared overnight, only 418 runs ahead, he had slapped India’s batsmen with their net worth in runs. Had Smith a sense of humour, he would have declared at 152 – 76 runs ahead of India’s similar first innings total. However, taking into account inflation and a true 3rd day wicket, 494 for 7 declared was almost bold for the South Africans.

Here was a team that reveled in playing oppositions into the ground, specially the likes of New Zealand, Bangladesh and other one-day wonders. This however, was India. Fresh from one man’s wonder in Chennai, and a one test wonder in Australia. But with such teams, before long, wonders cease.

What’s disturbing is how the team selection plays blind man’s bluff. Presumably, the Aussie summer (along with Ponting) belonged to Ishant Sharma; but he only played after an injury to Zaheer Khan. Just as Sehwag played at Perth after the twin faults of Melbourne and Sydney. Or Irfan Pathan played here, because of Sachin Tendulkar’s injury. Or as Piyush Chawla may play in Kanpur.

Pathan’s inclusion may be the least of India’s concerns. He remained not out in both innings, scoring a fun 21 and 43. He bowled 21 listless overs, uncannily similar to R.P. Singh –in both input and output. Forget the Australia tour, darling, yeh hai India!
But how does a bowling all-rounder replace Sachin Tendulkar? Had Tendulkar played this test, would Pathan have played too? Unlikely. But he played due to a vacancy, while India couldn’t decide whether it was a seaming wicket or a spinning track. Also India had to first play its two best bowlers (on reputation, seniority, captaincy), so Anil Kumble and Harbhajan Singh picked themselves. But there was some green on the wicket. And India got greedy and took Tendulkar’s unavailability as a sign from God knows who. They decided to play Pathan in addition to the opening bowlers.

That R.P Singh was rueful at Chennai, in addition to being unfit did not matter. Most players carry niggles anyway – an injury occurs only when you’re fully incapacitated. Also there was a game to be won: three quicks, two spinners, let’s pulverize the Proteas with all we got!

By the time Pathan played his role as a bowler, the match was lost many times over. But to make sense of his selection, let’s flip Pathan’s role – and call him a batting all-rounder. Let’s revisit Jacque Kallis’ modest beginnings as a test batsman: initially Kallis’ test match average hovered in the 30s. But it wasn’t long before his average shot up through the 40s to the high 50s of today. While comparing Pathan to Kallis is nigh ridiculous, it’s a pointer for Indian cricket - to decide what it wants from Irfan. Kallis was always a batsman first, and then the 3rd or 4th bowler, in spite of being one of the world’s leading allrounders.

Repeatedly against the South Africans (in the tour games to that country) and now in Ahmedabad, Pathan has shown enough skill as a middle-lower order batsman against quick bowling to be taken seriously. But it’s his bowling that has failed him; at least in India. While the multiple roles, from test opener to pinch hitter at number three, in addition to the Chappell-Dravid experiments, have only confounded matters, it’s worth asking, why is only Irfan Pathan deemed special enough to be experimented with?

Today, Pathan’s test batting average is in the low 30s, much like his bowling average. Dhoni’s test batting average is a tad higher than Pathan’s. But while Dhoni is a power center, Pathan is a mere pawn. In spite of this, Pathan continues to look good with the bat.

Another player who has looked good with the bat is Saurav Ganguly. Over the last year, he’s scored regularly. His career average is in the 40s, as is VVS Laxman’s, who has also had a good last year. Not so with Rahul Dravid, in spite of which he’s still perceived as India’s most reliable test batsman. Most impactful batsman: Virender Sehwag. Most influential batsman: Sachin Tendulkar. The last three with test averages in the 50s. Untouchables?

In the make-believe joint family of Indian test cricket, all these batsmen should play together in harmony. But after 76 all out, there is a dire need for accountability. And frankly dropping Wasim Jaffer, Irfan Pathan or R.P. Singh, and including Piyush Chawla, Ishant Sharma or even Munaf Patel is far from the answer.

This cannot be more dirt under the carpet like the World Cup first round ouster. Where players conveniently return after a short sojourn. Until the time when a Dhoni wins a World Cup and demands his own one-day team.

What happened? And why did it happen? Can the shareholders of Indian cricket have some answers?

Or do we continue to blame an expendable opener or lower middle batsman? That is always easier. As the highly respectable batting averages continue to maintain themselves. With some feel good cosmetic changes to the team. And the circus moves on to the next town!