May 22, 2008

If you were mine.

If you were my team, and me your man, what would it be like?

Mohali Kings XI Punjab (KXP): Personally congratulate whoever recruited the threesome of Sangakara, Jayawardene and their old coaching mate, Tom Moody. Together, the three are like a 3-for-1 good whiskey buy at the Duty Free. At the team meeting, repeat this metaphor, raise a toast, drink straight up but not wantonly hurl glass over shoulder a la Aristotle Onassis.

Let Yuvraj Singh be, though the occasional bear hug would not go amiss after a win. Praise Yuvraj’s spontaneous runaway train celebrations. Screen these at post match parties. Prior to the IPL kickoff, recommend Sreesanth for therapy. Pick the tab.

Delhi Daredevils (3D): First, a one-to-one with Virender Sehwag - what makes him tick, what ticks him off. Empower Sehwag: communicate the difference between empower and n-power, the English cricket sponsors. Expect Sehwag to say he gives a hoot, in Hindi. Laugh it off.

Balance the excess of Sehwaglike swashbucklers with one-two finishers; as Gambhir, Dhawan, AB deVilliers, Malik all love the last action hero bit as much as Viru. Play wicket takers like Amit Mishra regardless of the wicket. Empower McGrath. Refrain from calling him a mentor as it’s a bad word in Indian cricket. Instead call him McGrath Mamu.

Jaipur Rajasthan Royals (RR): Wait. Watch. Continue watching. Make sure that computers stay out of Warne’s way. Apply for more team franchises called the Rajasthan Royals II and the Rajasthan Loyals. Clone Shane Warne, Shane Watson, Yusuf Pathan, Sohail Tanvir and their ilk. Wait. Watch.

Kolkota Knight Riders (KKR): Ensure nobody is bigger than Saurav Ganguly. Make Dada play the lead in KKR promos but keep choreographers at bay, save the dance for short balls. Do not sign up players who will be here today, gone tomorrow. Ensure Dada speaks to the Chief Minister and earns that Entertainment Tax waiver. Instead of sending some boys home to save costs, send everybody home, and save even more costs. Provide P.G. accommodation in away games. Or request players to stay with relatives.

Mumbai Indians (MI): Recommend Bhajji for therapy. Do not recommend Bhajji for captaincy. Even if Sachin Sir says so. Ensure Jayasuriya plays a centrifugal role in all games. Ditto for Pollock. When Sachin returns to the fold, ensure Sanath and Shaun are not undermined – tap their energy, negate Bhajji’s negativity. Pick his tab. Also call the team Mumbai Alliance Reliance. MAR for short! Theme song: MAR dallah!

Bangalore Royal Challengers (BRC): Ensure cronies do not impart cricket lessons to Dravid or team in private or via press releases. Win Dravid’s confidence (as Greg Chappell did), and set the team’s course with him – eliminate non T20 players one by one. Recreate a team with Misbah ul Haq, Cameron White and Rajasthan Royals’ styled rookies – transport Dravid to the zone. Praise Dravid in spite of defeats; blame them on heady partying with Kingfisher and Royal Challenge. Create a rival cricket league where cricketers play under the influence. Brand it as Influence AAAh!

Hyderabad Deccan Chargers (DC): Personally and publically thank VVS Laxman for his troubles re: that icon issue. Take a leaf out of those Miss Universe speeches, declare one cannot be made an icon. But like beauty you either have it or you don’t. And VVS is an icon from within. Hire Aishwarya Rai for a prohibitive sum to endorse the sentiment. When the team’s performance wanes, extend further support: claim like beauty and being an icon, performance too lies within. And you can’t put a good player down for long. Target the next season. Meanwhile, look to sell out. Request VVS if he can help reduce costs further.

Chennai Super Kings (CSK): Inform M.S. Dhoni he’s in charge. Hope he stays in charge. Unleash propaganda that a strong Chennai Super Kings means a strong M.S. Dhoni - which means a strong Indian team - which means all Indian players in all franchises should strengthen M.S.D’s resolve. Request Krish Srikanth to create Live full-fledged family soap operas to distract from any defeats.

27 comments:

Straight Point said...

KX1 - best example of winning in ato-pilot style...

3DS - why not make sehwag as finisher coming down at 3/4?

KKR - no entertainment tax waiver till srk jumps everywhere...

MIs - ensure next time there is no third umpire...

BRC - they are gone...charu aur andhera...

Smarty Pants said...

Terrific analysis...
My favourite would be CSK.

@ SP:
Nice comment...LOL

Som said...

thought to share something about Yuvraj. I mean thank god the Man who could be King didn't become King. King's XI match against the Mumbai Indians must have left the selectors vindicated.
Admitted it was a tense match but the way Yuvraj was howling at Piyush chawla/VRV Singh. I mean his roars were strong enough to shatter any nearby windowpane. I remember Chawla fumbled in the deep and Yuvraj gave him a mouthful. As camera zoomed in to Chawla, the leggie turned and you could lip-read the expletive he swallowed . It was all in the heat of the moment but captaincy is definitely not everyone's cup of tea...or mug of lassi for that matter.

Naked Cricket said...

sp, then what about Sehwag the starter? Mahroof could have been the diff - instead they chose a sickly asif. even dilshan has been to finishing school, but DDD chose ABD and Malik instead. Language barrier with the lankans? Mental barrier with the pakis.

Naked Cricket said...

cheers smarty pants!

scorpicity said...

'Mcgrath mamu'... LOL

Naked Cricket said...

som, what was the expletive? now it's out: chawla swallows!

Naked Cricket said...

you asked for it scorpi! yr previous comment came in when i was on the verge of posting this piece.

Straight Point said...

NC!

i wud use mahroof as starter...gg & sd the stablizers, sehwag & dilshan as finishers...

Naked Cricket said...

sp,
sure, this is t20, but how different would Mahroof as starter be from the Pathan experiment?

scorpicity said...

Ah good nc... very good indeed :)

Straight Point said...

same like warney has used pathan with license to kill bowlers at sight...specially with field restrictions on...

Naked Cricket said...

i meant Irfan, you Yusuf. Point taken SP. 3D needed to get unstuck, maybe not in their play, but their thinking. But to unleash Mahroof, they had to first know his worth. and pick him regularly.

For me, M's bowling was the high point of 3Ds game - one up on even McGrath.

cheers scorpi!

John said...

More Tam players for CSK. More Bungalees for KKR.

John said...

And next time, get Michael Hussey to do all the Rajni ads.

Trideep said...

great write up NC.

My best part.. MI's theme song,.... MAR Daala!!! :D

UTP said...

Mcgrath mamu? Hehehhe....

Naked Cricket said...

John, isn't MSD dng the Rajnikant ads? Caught a glimpse, they're for CSK right?

Naked Cricket said...

thanks trideep.
a team for a song, wouldn't that be cool

Naked Cricket said...

cheers utp! gonna hop over to yr space

Soulberry said...

Curiously, I'd go for a bowler for 3D. Their batsmen didn't play enough balls due to the top three...but have played well over run a ball whenever they had the chance.

3D is lacking one good bowler.

Fine article Gaurav.

Soulberry said...

By the way, I'm happy with the Delhi keeper!

Naked Cricket said...

cheers sb!
and to think that 3D just became aware of 2 good bowlers. They were playing Asif on rep, doubt he was bowling any good in the nets either.

Yomahesh will get you a wicket after being rammed for 16 runs in an over, if he takes only 2 wickets, chances are he won't go for many. Jokes apart, he wasn't half bad y'day.

DK isn't too bad either, just a big drop in confidence over the last few months. Reckon Sehwag empathised with that. Better keeper than ABD anyday. But ABD is the best 12th man in the world.

Watch the dadagiri?

UTP said...

IPL has pretty much the traditional cricket...that at least I used to enjoy....however it surely has brought money in the game like never before and the Saas bahoo SOAPs are off....I ve heard lots of ammis and behans and biwis....going for IPL over Saas Bahoo Sagas....thats the only good thing coming out of all this...

Soulberry said...

You know, think you are right about Sehwag and DK. I did watch dadagiri.

Viru is a supportive sort of chap.

Naked Cricket said...

utp - i did reply to yr comment, tho the net did me in. saved the comment on my desktop but just deleted that file. against all odds i will reply:
ipl no different from saas bahu fare; mallaya saab and srk are saas-es, jammy and dada bahu-s.

Naked Cricket said...

sb, viru's an enigma best left alone. He leaves himself alone, and so should everybody else.

Btw DC and CSK are a study in contrasts: while DC opens with two dashers, CSK opens with, as SRT would have said, two left handers.

Recall Sachin complementing the RR finishers, refering to them as "the two left handers". At least he didn't pull off an Arun Lal on them.