If you were mine.

If you were my team, and me your man, what would it be like?

Mohali Kings XI Punjab (KXP): Personally congratulate whoever recruited the threesome of Sangakara, Jayawardene and their old coaching mate, Tom Moody. Together, the three are like a 3-for-1 good whiskey buy at the Duty Free. At the team meeting, repeat this metaphor, raise a toast, drink straight up but not wantonly hurl glass over shoulder a la Aristotle Onassis.

Let Yuvraj Singh be, though the occasional bear hug would not go amiss after a win. Praise Yuvraj’s spontaneous runaway train celebrations. Screen these at post match parties. Prior to the IPL kickoff, recommend Sreesanth for therapy. Pick the tab.

Delhi Daredevils (3D): First, a one-to-one with Virender Sehwag - what makes him tick, what ticks him off. Empower Sehwag: communicate the difference between empower and n-power, the English cricket sponsors. Expect Sehwag to say he gives a hoot, in Hindi. Laugh it off.

Balance the excess of Sehwaglike swashbucklers with one-two finishers; as Gambhir, Dhawan, AB deVilliers, Malik all love the last action hero bit as much as Viru. Play wicket takers like Amit Mishra regardless of the wicket. Empower McGrath. Refrain from calling him a mentor as it’s a bad word in Indian cricket. Instead call him McGrath Mamu.

Jaipur Rajasthan Royals (RR): Wait. Watch. Continue watching. Make sure that computers stay out of Warne’s way. Apply for more team franchises called the Rajasthan Royals II and the Rajasthan Loyals. Clone Shane Warne, Shane Watson, Yusuf Pathan, Sohail Tanvir and their ilk. Wait. Watch.

Kolkota Knight Riders (KKR): Ensure nobody is bigger than Saurav Ganguly. Make Dada play the lead in KKR promos but keep choreographers at bay, save the dance for short balls. Do not sign up players who will be here today, gone tomorrow. Ensure Dada speaks to the Chief Minister and earns that Entertainment Tax waiver. Instead of sending some boys home to save costs, send everybody home, and save even more costs. Provide P.G. accommodation in away games. Or request players to stay with relatives.

Mumbai Indians (MI): Recommend Bhajji for therapy. Do not recommend Bhajji for captaincy. Even if Sachin Sir says so. Ensure Jayasuriya plays a centrifugal role in all games. Ditto for Pollock. When Sachin returns to the fold, ensure Sanath and Shaun are not undermined – tap their energy, negate Bhajji’s negativity. Pick his tab. Also call the team Mumbai Alliance Reliance. MAR for short! Theme song: MAR dallah!

Bangalore Royal Challengers (BRC): Ensure cronies do not impart cricket lessons to Dravid or team in private or via press releases. Win Dravid’s confidence (as Greg Chappell did), and set the team’s course with him – eliminate non T20 players one by one. Recreate a team with Misbah ul Haq, Cameron White and Rajasthan Royals’ styled rookies – transport Dravid to the zone. Praise Dravid in spite of defeats; blame them on heady partying with Kingfisher and Royal Challenge. Create a rival cricket league where cricketers play under the influence. Brand it as Influence AAAh!

Hyderabad Deccan Chargers (DC): Personally and publically thank VVS Laxman for his troubles re: that icon issue. Take a leaf out of those Miss Universe speeches, declare one cannot be made an icon. But like beauty you either have it or you don’t. And VVS is an icon from within. Hire Aishwarya Rai for a prohibitive sum to endorse the sentiment. When the team’s performance wanes, extend further support: claim like beauty and being an icon, performance too lies within. And you can’t put a good player down for long. Target the next season. Meanwhile, look to sell out. Request VVS if he can help reduce costs further.

Chennai Super Kings (CSK): Inform M.S. Dhoni he’s in charge. Hope he stays in charge. Unleash propaganda that a strong Chennai Super Kings means a strong M.S. Dhoni - which means a strong Indian team - which means all Indian players in all franchises should strengthen M.S.D’s resolve. Request Krish Srikanth to create Live full-fledged family soap operas to distract from any defeats.