The spinner and his batsman friend - II

The spinner and his batsman friend
Glitz blitz show and show
Let’s walk with the media in tow
You’ve heard of Beckham baby
Stick with me i’ll bring you lotta jalebi
Pump pump! pump pump!
The spinner and his batsman friend
Taught him how to bat and play the field

Slap whack career highjack
Monkey junkie flunkey Jack Kerouac
What a beat poet spinner
No rhyme no reason
The spinner and his batsman friend
Play a prank play a shot
I’m here no matter what
The spinner and his batsman friend

See how the spinner flew to his batsman friend

Delhi to Barca.

Small talk about the IPL is not without peril, the other day when I initiated some with Tinku, the young insurance magnate, he asked me in all seriousness, “Bhaiya,maine suna hai aap IPL ki studies kar rahen hai” (Bro, I hear you're doing a study on the IPL?).

Tito, the Spanish Baba from the mountains returned to offer his condolences, “Sorry man, your team lost”. This was the day after the IPL finals, 3 days after Delhi’s ouster, but a polite sports fan and hooligan sportsman will go far in India. Look at Bhajji he just got airlifted by a helicopter in Jalandhar.

And then I find myself watching Barca amidst Catalan war cries, and I know the healing has begun.

Bored Quickie! Bored Mickey! IPL Finals LIVE at Bored!

Click here for a Replay of Bored Quickie! And do the IPL finals LIVE! (Bangalore vs. Deccan, 7:30pm IST) The Bored Members are in, gotta feeling Fake will be there too, a shadow of his former self - either a bewada or a dhakan.





For a lowdown on Bored Quickie, you can get some release here!

The spinner and his batsman friend - I

Two of you, just two of you
From one end of the world to the other
Many long years, so many long years
With you close like your sport's kit
I said with you close like your sport's kit
There ain’t no start there ain’t no end
You’ll be there till you go round the bend
From god knows when to god knows when
You start it off you see it through
The spinner and his batsman friend
They said little yet they said a lot
Actions speak louder than words
I said actions speak louder
Than words
The spinner and his batsman friend

What good is a firang captain for desi cricket?

Good: Look at how much the kids will learn under Warnie, Gilli, KP.
Bad: But Pathan, Munaf, Rohit only rock in the IPL, should we include their captains in the national side as their nannies?

Good: They’re great for business and the ads, and we can gush all day about Warnie’s captaincy, look what he did with a bullshit team, and when they got even more bullshit, he still threatened to sneak the semis. And what a rock n roll heart.
Bad: What was it called, KP?

Good: When VVS was downsized, was that an opportunity to ask Rohit Sharma (allegedly the next SRT) to step up and take the reins?
Bad: What about RR, who would they have made captain?
Good: Why, is Ravindra Jadeja too young?

Bad: Franchise interest is not consistent with Indian cricket. Given a chance, they would remove the firang ceiling. That makes me hit the roof.
Good: Should they not decrease the firang ceiling – and if a team does not want to field 4 firangs to hell with them, but yeah, 4 is the limit.

Going into the semis with one firang captain, and three desis. And how I'd like DC to go down. If not tomorrow, then on Sunday. And I like Gilli.

Who let the Banjo out

Way before today's newspapers gave you the Banjo Cassim story, Real IPL Player fixed him. Here.

I am the Real IPL Player!

I’m really real
I’m not a fake
I’m here in South Africa for Heaven’s sake
Not far away in some banana shake

I am the Real IPL Player
I am!
Not the Fake IPL Player
I am not!

I will take real names
Not any fake names
I’m here in South Africa
Not sitting somewhere far away in Antarctica

I’d love to play cricket in an animal safari
Bowl to some wild cat, sipping on my Campari
Instead I will sing and dance with them
Oh those round a*sed cheerleaders, how I love ‘em!

I am the Real IPL Player
No, no, I’m not the fake
I’m not gonna call him the Sheikh of Tweak
I'll call him Shane, and share with him a steak

I’m loyal to the royals
And with Delhi my blood boils
I’m for Real, I am
I’m not a Fake, I am not

Give me a shot!
It’s gonna get hot
You’ll forget what was it that
Alexander with Porus Fought!

Coz I am for REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!
I am!
I am not a FAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
I am not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Som is the Real IPL Player at Bored Cricket Crazy Indians. Because Som like it hot!

AFRICAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Look who’s coming to you, baby!

Goldyji, from the Beer & Wine shop called – he wanted to send me to South Africa. But for that he wanted me to first send myself to the B&W shop. I didn’t want to send myself anywhere, not at 4pm, on a May Day -but these Kingfisher suits were over, as were the cards, one out of those five were going to turn me into a cheerleader.

I had to go. And look what I picked – a Kingfisher Delhi Daredevils Bat Opener, suddenly I felt like Gaurav Gambhir. The suits felt my pain, and on a second attempt when I didn’t pick SAF, but another opener, they felt duty bound to gift me the Kingfisher Delhi Daredevils Ball Clock. Yeah, it sounds obscene, but it doesn’t look half as bad.

I drove back with a heavy heart, and an even heavier crate of beer. Maybe a Bored Member wasn’t meant to be in South Africa. Who will be the Bored Cricket Crazy Indians (BCC!) IPL rep – with such thoughts I nearly drove up the wrong tree.

But all wasn’t lost. Maybe for the Knight Riders but not for BCC! - Bored Member Som (of Doosra fame) was going hitch a ride to South Africa. As I write, Som opens his stance for an airhostess at 24,000 feet.

He will soon be in South Africa. And once there he will lock horns with cheerleaders, big Mommas, little miss sunshines, a light tower, a digital scoreboard, the Joburg night scene, Joburg crime scene, lewd African jokes, black magic, white minority reports, and even cricketers whose real names he will take – Yeah, he’s no fake, he’s THE REAL IPL PLAYER.

Eat your heart out, baby!

YES! I want to follow 'Som from South Africa' at Bored Cricket Crazy Indians (BCC!)

140 Characters.

Kapil, Sunny, Dhoni, Tendulkar, Ganguly, Bhajji, Sidhu, SreeSanth, Lee, Flintoff, KP, Yuvraj, Kumble, Warne, Uthappa, Waugh, Botham, Garner, Marshall, Roberts, Holding, Lloyd, Lara, Chanderpaul, Gayle, Nel, Klusener, Gibbs, Symonds, Cronje, Gough, Sarwan, Mendis, Ranatunga, Murali, Miandad, Imran, Akram, Waqar, Ponting, Gilchrist, Hayden, Healy, Jayasuriya, Cairns, Sehwag, Dravid, Agarkar, Malinga, Azhar, Qadir, Laxman, Kambli, Prabhakar, Srikkanth, Gillespie, McGrath, Panesar, Harmison, Trescothick, Amarnath, Misbah, Afridi, Moyo, MacGill, Boon, Botha, Amla, Ntini, Boucher, Pollock, Mudassar, Sohail, Ijaz, Mushi, Inzi, Saqi, Shoiab, Chappell, Bradman, Ramdin, Walsh, Ambrose, Hooper, Richards, Dujon, Lawry, Atapattu, Fernando, Thomson, Parore, McMillan, Ryder, Bond, Greatbatch, Crowe, Bracewell, Woolmer, Slater, Hadlee, Oram, McCullum, Traicos, Brandes, Flower, Houghton, Streak, Olonga, Taibu, Ashraful, Shakib, Rafique, Nehra, Munaf, Powar, Warner, Vettori, Gaekwad, Doshi, Venki, Pathan, Kallis, Duminy, Morkel, Steyn, Zondeki, Jadeja, Raina, Karthik, Amre, Mishra, Razdan, Zaks, Lamba, Binny, Madan, Ghavri, Hirwani, Maninder, NC.

NAKED CRICKET IS ON TWITTER.

Mumbai Indians next destination

This

Cricket Kama Sutra

1) S Badrinath

2) S Badrinath

3) S Badrinath

4) S Badrinath

5) S Badrinath

6) S Badrinath

7) S Badrinath

8) S Badrinath

9) S Badrinath

10) S Badrinath

11) S Badrinath


S Badrinath bats in every position you can dream of, and then some more.

Mahi, leave Badri alone.

On second thoughts, don’t. Stand by him, back him, embrace him. Like you embraced Yuvraj Singh, RP Singh, Harbhajan Singh. What’s the problem? Is he too far South for you? Think about it Mahi, India has embraced you, from the heartland down to the South - you are the CSK skipper, and their icon, aren’t you? How will it be to back a boy from far down South for a change – like you back Suresh Raina, Praveen Kumar, Rohit Sharma. How tough is it to bat Badri in one slot, and not in every position of the Cricket Kama Sutra?

The guy won you game in Lanka, caught a blinder, but didn’t play again after 3 ODIs, where all did he bat then? And where all have you batted him in the IPL – think you gotta figure something here Mahi, Badri is possibly at his wits’ end, he lashed out at the selectors, don’t think he’s doing himself any favours here.

You can either make Badri work for you, or you can just dump him. It won’t be hard to dump him, he’ll be just another first class asset wasted. And then there’s always the strong logic that this was the era of Sachin, Rahul, VVS, Saurav. You know that’s a little lame. Just as it is to say that this will be the era of Sehwag, Gambhir, Yuvraj, Raina, Rohit.

Open your eyes Mahi, who knows, you could open the selectors’ minds too. But before that, stick with him at 2 down. He just won you a game at that position, didn’t he?

And here’s something else to chew on Mahi, in the years to come, who will take the place Sachin, Rahul, VVS?



also read 'Who the fck is Subramaniam Badrinath?'

Hey Sachin

Sachin, here you are a captain again. And today, you showed flexibility too, you didn’t open the innings, or was it on the behest of some coach again. Either way, thought it was a good call. Is this a pointer for the ODIs, can you let go there too?

Now, there was this little big moment in the game, before you came on to bowl the match turning over – you were huddled with the kids, Duminy and Bhajji. And you looked like a kid too, in fact, it appeared, it was on their behest that you bowled. And it rankled didn’t it, how many times did you mention that in the interviews?

It’s funny, but I’m now convinced, that among million Indians, I too share some karmic connection with you. Could almost tell you weren’t too keen to bowl, were you? But everything pointed to a spinner bowling – that’s what threatened to swing the game. And if little boy Duminy can have Delhi like a cat on a hot tin roof, Sachin, you, Mr Big spinner, you will make a hot dog outta them Daredevils.

But it didn’t quite feel right. It wasn’t like one of those games where you snatch the ball from skip. It was one of those dreaded games that you don’t get landing rights. You knew it, and so AB de Villiers. And so did I.



Also read Ass IPL moment

Why SRK made McCullum KKR captain (a long shot, but what the heck)

You have lost sleep over the Ganguly-KKR episode. Then you lost your mind when McCullum became captain. But the reason behind all this is quite simple: team owner SRK was, in his cricket playing days, a wicketkeeper too - here's the inside dope:

"We were schoolmates. He was the wicket keeper and I the opening batsmen for our junior school cricket team at St. Columba’s School, New Delhi."

For the full lowdown on SRK and cricket, here's an insider's take.

AK 09

Let’s think of Anil Kumble as an assault rifle. Now he’s no hopeless son of a gun – he’s a solid, trusted, well priced gun. Just that he’s made in one of those obscure little republics of the erstwhile Soviet Union. And when you go gun shopping but can't buy from the US, UK, Russia, China or Sweden, guess you gotta turn to AK’s republic.

There are no kickbacks involved, the deal is upfront, and the gun is bloody keen to fight for you.

The trouble is you feel you can do better. What will the other gun slingers say? How hack is it to fight with an AK 09? Does the AK 09 have any fight left in it? Is there a buyback scheme?

Last time round it was the AK 07, that was a younger version, but damn, you still had your doubts. But you couldn’t seal the deal with the US, UK, Russia, China or Sweden. So you went ahead with the AK 07, and boy, did it shoot from the hip.

But that was then, the new AK 09 version is basically the AK 07, only much retired. So you go all guns blazing, and buy the KP 09, that’s one helluva sexy gun from the UK. Later you discover much to your detriment that there’s a SAF angle too, and the gun backfires at you.

You think picking up a JK 09 but it takes far too much time to reload – also, you figure it’s not even a JK 04 anymore. You can’t pick RD 09 because you snubbed the RD 08. Also even if you wanted to, RD 09 has to return to the production line for RD 09 mini. And in case you were thinking, RD 09 mini is far from the finished product.

TINA. Which is when you gun for the AK 09. What the heck, how bad can it be?

Also read 'Being Cool is not what I do'

I’ve been waiting for you kid

Why else would I pick you in my fantasy team – you may say I’m a dreamer, but look, Jumbo picked you too, no doubt after a chat with Jammy. I’m convinced the only reason Jammy returned was to have that chat with Jumbo. KP was gone, and you must have thought you were gone too, but then came along Jumbo. Of course, this is what I think. And yeah, glad to see you think too.

Anyway, going back to that fantasy team – appreciate the fact you’ve not been dropped so far (I’m allowed 6 substitutions kid). Seems like ages back that you played that manic 80 odd against the Poms. And then it fell apart. Face it, you scored too fast, you hit the ball in the air too much, and they preferred Gauti to you. You were never ever in contention for a test slot anyway. I never figured that out, don’t think you did either. Worse still, even though you were an opener, doubt the team saw you as opening material, whatever that means. Had you been more of a dullhead, who knows what could have been?

You had your breaks, but they were all over the place, and so were you. Then they put the breaks on you, kid. That T20 world cup and those effusive bows seem like a long way back.

And here you were set to bow out of the IPL. Nobody would remember your straight hits, run-outs, the bows, yes, they are hard to forget.

And then this innings came along, you and mid wicket were an item again. And you scored faster than I could glug my whiskey. That was one heady innings kid, just hope it doesn’t go to your head again. I have a feeling it won’t.

Another thing: do not wear wicketkeeping gloves again, not even in private. Don't want to end up like DK boy and little hearts, do you?

Read more about the kid

Fortunate Son.

DK boy, most people who follow cricket on planet earth have little or no memory of your worth. They think of you as a juggler more than a wicketkeeper. Few if any even know that you can bat. I myself had forgotten you could bat. I vaguely recall you once opened the batting, where was it, I cannot tell now; and you acquitted yourself rather well. Then you had to quit. Sometime else you even won a T20 game, yeah, it was India's first T20 in South Africa. Moral of the story DK boy, people attach a huge amount of significance to little games. If you have it made in limited overs cricket, you’re made.

Here you were, with your darling captain standing behind you, having to inhale your fumes throughout that darn good innings. But darn you boy, you threw it away.

DK boy, you’ve had two nifty back-to-back innings, but still both were almost there knocks, neither sealed the deal. This one could have been special. Instead it was the best knock either side, but in a losing cause, who remembers those?

Try and remember this: You don’t always have to keep, if it isn’t your natural calling to hell with it. Let MSD, let Parthiv or whoever likes wearing big gloves do it. If you were good enough to open overseas, and to instil belief in a coach who had little if any, there’s a chance you got something going for you.

Don’t self destruct just when you’re ready to shift in for a win DK boy. Your success could mean very interesting times for Indian cricket. Only with you, you’ll have to try much harder. You are no fortunate son.

Fortunate Son (lyrics by John Fogerty)

Some folks are born made to wave the flag,Ooh, theyre red, white and blue.And when the band plays hail to the chief,Ooh, they point the cannon at you, lord,It aint me, it aint me, I aint no senators son, son.It aint me, it aint me; I aint no fortunate one, no,Yeah!Some folks are born silver spoon in hand,Lord, dont they help themselves, oh.But when the taxman comes to the door,Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale, yes,It aint me, it aint me, I aint no millionaires son, no.It aint me, it aint me; I aint no fortunate one, no.Some folks inherit star spangled eyes,Ooh, they send you down to war, lord,And when you ask them, how much should we give? Ooh, they only answer more! more! more! yoh,It aint me, it aint me, I aint no military son, son.It aint me, it aint me; I aint no fortunate one, one.It aint me, it aint me, I aint no fortunate one, no no no,It aint me, it aint me, I aint no fortunate son, no no no,

An IPL makeover

Don’t know what it is, but I tend to spend time with the Delhi Daredevils. Here I was again at the adidas store, checking out the new colours, new prices, and this new customised name scheme. So if your name is Vinnie Dildo and you’re a bit wary supporting your own team, no worries – you can buy a customised Daredevils team jersey with your name, just where Viru or Gauti have theirs. That will be 2000 bucks please.

In walked an 8-9 year old kid (and no I’m not a fake adidas store player) with his daddy in tow, who appeared to have broken a limb. Can’t say whether he acted in a play, and someone told him to break a leg.

Anyway, when the two were at the counter, paying up, noticed they’d both picked a Daredevil team jersey (team jersey, why call it that?) and I had to ask if they were name customised, which they were.

And I had to ask the kid, who his favourite player was? The specky little kid, in his Daredevil cap looked me in the eye and said: Virender Sehwag. And I agreed, yeah, me too, me too.

Somewhere around lurked a guy in a Deccan Chargers t-shirt overhearing us. Spies everywhere I tell you. Could he be a new fake ipl player in the making?

Also read Who will captain daredevils?