Vijay Mallaya caught smoking again!

On Bored: What made Mallya smoke

Revealed: What went into the Kotla pitch.

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On Bored DDCA: Married to the mob

Why the IPL got knocked out of the Champions League

There are far too many conspiracy theories to this, most of which are way off the mark. Fact is the knockout was pre-planned.

The three IPL teams sacrificed a spot in the semis and finals for the greater good of Indian cricket. While Daredevils have four players (Sehwag, Gambhir, Mishra, Nehra) in the one-day side, Royal Challengers have two (Praveen Kumar, Virat Kohli), only the Deccan Chargers have none.

The Champions League Finals are to played on 23rd October (8 pm) in Hyderabad, while the India-Australia one-day series begins 25th October in Vadodara (9 am), giving next to no time for any pre-match conditioning to IPL players.

Even though there's no Deccan Chargers’ player in the one-day squad, and the Finals will be played in their backyard, such is the bonhomie among the IPL players, that Rohit Sharma and RP Singh (dropped from the ODI team recently) refused to play in the absence of their archrivals Royal Challengers.

As for the Daredevils, they sacrificed a semi-final slot.

Champions League Joke

This is hot from the Bushrangers-Royal Challengers game. Top scorer Manish Pandey 39, next highest scorer Rahul Dravid 33. And look who lost? The Jokers. Special mention, extras 21.

The fly by night batsman

Like history, Robin Uthappa repeats himself. He’s not one of those batsmen who invent ways to get out. He has trademarked his dismissal.

Today at the Sahara BCCI Corporate trophy (what a brilliant name) he tried to kill a bird, no a plane, no superman. He hooked, no pulled, no miss-timed one beyond the Ozone.

It didn’t go beyond the thirty yard circle. The keeper, whoever he was, gloved it.

Dravid, looked on from slip, like only he can, studiously, taking mental notes.
You can be sure Dravid will speak to Uthappa after the game. They are teammates after all, at Bangalore Royal Challengers.

Finally, all cricketers will be teammates. If not in the Blues, then in Tata Reds, India Cement, the IPL, erstwhile ICL, Warwickshire, Hong Kong Super Sixes, Beach cricket, Alpine cricket.

No wonder they call cricket a team sport.

AK 09

Let’s think of Anil Kumble as an assault rifle. Now he’s no hopeless son of a gun – he’s a solid, trusted, well priced gun. Just that he’s made in one of those obscure little republics of the erstwhile Soviet Union. And when you go gun shopping but can't buy from the US, UK, Russia, China or Sweden, guess you gotta turn to AK’s republic.

There are no kickbacks involved, the deal is upfront, and the gun is bloody keen to fight for you.

The trouble is you feel you can do better. What will the other gun slingers say? How hack is it to fight with an AK 09? Does the AK 09 have any fight left in it? Is there a buyback scheme?

Last time round it was the AK 07, that was a younger version, but damn, you still had your doubts. But you couldn’t seal the deal with the US, UK, Russia, China or Sweden. So you went ahead with the AK 07, and boy, did it shoot from the hip.

But that was then, the new AK 09 version is basically the AK 07, only much retired. So you go all guns blazing, and buy the KP 09, that’s one helluva sexy gun from the UK. Later you discover much to your detriment that there’s a SAF angle too, and the gun backfires at you.

You think picking up a JK 09 but it takes far too much time to reload – also, you figure it’s not even a JK 04 anymore. You can’t pick RD 09 because you snubbed the RD 08. Also even if you wanted to, RD 09 has to return to the production line for RD 09 mini. And in case you were thinking, RD 09 mini is far from the finished product.

TINA. Which is when you gun for the AK 09. What the heck, how bad can it be?

Also read 'Being Cool is not what I do'

I’ve been waiting for you kid

Why else would I pick you in my fantasy team – you may say I’m a dreamer, but look, Jumbo picked you too, no doubt after a chat with Jammy. I’m convinced the only reason Jammy returned was to have that chat with Jumbo. KP was gone, and you must have thought you were gone too, but then came along Jumbo. Of course, this is what I think. And yeah, glad to see you think too.

Anyway, going back to that fantasy team – appreciate the fact you’ve not been dropped so far (I’m allowed 6 substitutions kid). Seems like ages back that you played that manic 80 odd against the Poms. And then it fell apart. Face it, you scored too fast, you hit the ball in the air too much, and they preferred Gauti to you. You were never ever in contention for a test slot anyway. I never figured that out, don’t think you did either. Worse still, even though you were an opener, doubt the team saw you as opening material, whatever that means. Had you been more of a dullhead, who knows what could have been?

You had your breaks, but they were all over the place, and so were you. Then they put the breaks on you, kid. That T20 world cup and those effusive bows seem like a long way back.

And here you were set to bow out of the IPL. Nobody would remember your straight hits, run-outs, the bows, yes, they are hard to forget.

And then this innings came along, you and mid wicket were an item again. And you scored faster than I could glug my whiskey. That was one heady innings kid, just hope it doesn’t go to your head again. I have a feeling it won’t.

Another thing: do not wear wicketkeeping gloves again, not even in private. Don't want to end up like DK boy and little hearts, do you?

Read more about the kid

Clash of the Titanics.

19th match: Royal Challengers Bangalore v Kolkata Knight Riders at Durban - Apr 29, 2009 (12:30 local, 10:30 GMT)

If you were mine.

If you were my team, and me your man, what would it be like?

Mohali Kings XI Punjab (KXP): Personally congratulate whoever recruited the threesome of Sangakara, Jayawardene and their old coaching mate, Tom Moody. Together, the three are like a 3-for-1 good whiskey buy at the Duty Free. At the team meeting, repeat this metaphor, raise a toast, drink straight up but not wantonly hurl glass over shoulder a la Aristotle Onassis.

Let Yuvraj Singh be, though the occasional bear hug would not go amiss after a win. Praise Yuvraj’s spontaneous runaway train celebrations. Screen these at post match parties. Prior to the IPL kickoff, recommend Sreesanth for therapy. Pick the tab.

Delhi Daredevils (3D): First, a one-to-one with Virender Sehwag - what makes him tick, what ticks him off. Empower Sehwag: communicate the difference between empower and n-power, the English cricket sponsors. Expect Sehwag to say he gives a hoot, in Hindi. Laugh it off.

Balance the excess of Sehwaglike swashbucklers with one-two finishers; as Gambhir, Dhawan, AB deVilliers, Malik all love the last action hero bit as much as Viru. Play wicket takers like Amit Mishra regardless of the wicket. Empower McGrath. Refrain from calling him a mentor as it’s a bad word in Indian cricket. Instead call him McGrath Mamu.

Jaipur Rajasthan Royals (RR): Wait. Watch. Continue watching. Make sure that computers stay out of Warne’s way. Apply for more team franchises called the Rajasthan Royals II and the Rajasthan Loyals. Clone Shane Warne, Shane Watson, Yusuf Pathan, Sohail Tanvir and their ilk. Wait. Watch.

Kolkota Knight Riders (KKR): Ensure nobody is bigger than Saurav Ganguly. Make Dada play the lead in KKR promos but keep choreographers at bay, save the dance for short balls. Do not sign up players who will be here today, gone tomorrow. Ensure Dada speaks to the Chief Minister and earns that Entertainment Tax waiver. Instead of sending some boys home to save costs, send everybody home, and save even more costs. Provide P.G. accommodation in away games. Or request players to stay with relatives.

Mumbai Indians (MI): Recommend Bhajji for therapy. Do not recommend Bhajji for captaincy. Even if Sachin Sir says so. Ensure Jayasuriya plays a centrifugal role in all games. Ditto for Pollock. When Sachin returns to the fold, ensure Sanath and Shaun are not undermined – tap their energy, negate Bhajji’s negativity. Pick his tab. Also call the team Mumbai Alliance Reliance. MAR for short! Theme song: MAR dallah!

Bangalore Royal Challengers (BRC): Ensure cronies do not impart cricket lessons to Dravid or team in private or via press releases. Win Dravid’s confidence (as Greg Chappell did), and set the team’s course with him – eliminate non T20 players one by one. Recreate a team with Misbah ul Haq, Cameron White and Rajasthan Royals’ styled rookies – transport Dravid to the zone. Praise Dravid in spite of defeats; blame them on heady partying with Kingfisher and Royal Challenge. Create a rival cricket league where cricketers play under the influence. Brand it as Influence AAAh!

Hyderabad Deccan Chargers (DC): Personally and publically thank VVS Laxman for his troubles re: that icon issue. Take a leaf out of those Miss Universe speeches, declare one cannot be made an icon. But like beauty you either have it or you don’t. And VVS is an icon from within. Hire Aishwarya Rai for a prohibitive sum to endorse the sentiment. When the team’s performance wanes, extend further support: claim like beauty and being an icon, performance too lies within. And you can’t put a good player down for long. Target the next season. Meanwhile, look to sell out. Request VVS if he can help reduce costs further.

Chennai Super Kings (CSK): Inform M.S. Dhoni he’s in charge. Hope he stays in charge. Unleash propaganda that a strong Chennai Super Kings means a strong M.S. Dhoni - which means a strong Indian team - which means all Indian players in all franchises should strengthen M.S.D’s resolve. Request Krish Srikanth to create Live full-fledged family soap operas to distract from any defeats.