DORM OF DOOM!

INT DORMITORY – NIGHT

(Petrified school kids jump out of their bunkers screaming,
they have all seen the same nightmare)

MONITOR SHAK
It was ZAKS the destroyer!

KID A
It was ZAKS alright - he came round the wicket OOOO!

MASTER T
…and shoved his fire ball into my empty stomach AAAH!

(The kids’ hysterics draw the BCB Chief’s attention)

BCB CHIEF
What’s that? You Bbboys are awake?
First you lose a match then you lose sleep.

MONITOR SHAK
Oh no! It’s BCB Sahb! Run to bed, run!

BCB CHIEF
Not so fast you little losers.

(BCB Chief appears in the dorm and pulls Monitor Shak
by the elastic of his pyjamas and proceeds to
administer a thorough spanking)

MASTER T
I did good, can I go and sleep?

BCB CHIEF
AAH! So you’ve earned yourself a good spanking.

(BCB Chief produces his cane)

KID A
I was sick! Here, see an excuse from my Mommy.

(BCB Chief is not impressed, like a martial arts expert
he is spanking, caning, flogging the whole lot of them

BCB CHIEF
This will treat you not to play with bigger boys.


(a boy from the top bunker squeals)

BOY
Yeah, I even saw Monitor Shak smoking.

On Bored: Cricket Films including Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai! + The Night Before series + Godfather & Jaws

A new toast for two ten.

I don’t care if he’s Indian or if he’s Pakistani
Don’t care if it’s you or some guy called Mohammad Sami
I don’t care if he’s a drunk or a flag bearer for the barmy army
Don’t care if it’s Umar Akmal after a brazen 49
Don’t care if it’s Shane Watson in the tavern after a run out on 99
I want a new toast
A new toast for two-ten

It can’t be that difficult
To give some new kids a chance
You can’t have the same mob playing all the time
And then saying there’s too much cricket
But wait a second, if there’s too much cricket
Why don’t you take a chill pill?
You may not quite be over the hill
But when the fuck will you get your fill?

Zaheer and Bhajji, what’s with you
You waiting to disintegrate on the field
Now you see the Lankans, right?
Do you even know their names?
Yeah, so bring some nameless players
From the back of beyond
A new state, somewhere in the North East
Or the Andaman Islands
Yeah, give it a push guys
You looking for a fucking fast bowler
Maybe you been looking in the wrong places
Go look in the middle of MP which incidentally
Is also the middle of India
If a kid can tame a tiger
Yeah, you know what I’m saying
I want a new toast
A new toast for two ten
Not you toast
No, no, no
I don’t wanna toast your five for whenever that comes
I wanna toast your five weeks off


On Bored: Cricket Songs