Shahid Afridi's Attention Span

"I hit that big six you know auntie always tells me Kamran dropped it very nice kebabs the way I am senior Karachi and Lahore are forget England I like to watch Bollywood movies especially long drives in my new car"


First posted on Bored

Yuvi sings the blues

hey, hey, hey
Why do i gotta play
play such a slow game
slow game slow game slow game
why do i gotta think
think before i play
play such a slow game
these spinners and these swinging balls
that leave me, leave me, leave me
outside off, off, off, off
it's not on baby, it's not on baby
I wanna throw the kitchen sink at you
But they say somebody gotta do the dishes first
Hey, I don't wanna do the dishes baby
I just wanna throw the kitchen sink at you baby
But this test cricket, oh she's such a bitch, baby
She wants me to think, think, think
But what about the **%$#% Sehwag
He don't think, he don't think
And I'm the chosen one baby
I've been chosen, not once, but twice, thrice,
But so many times baby

If only it was easy as in Pakistan
I'd just retire from test cricket
Y'kno Boom Boom played 27 tests in 12 years
Oh man, that's so fucking cute
And I, what I do
I played 34 tests in 7 years
My average is 35, his something 36
No wonder I'm singing the blues

And now here I am sick in Sri Lanka
No, no, no don't get me wrong
I'm not sick of Sri Lanka
I'm sick in Sri Lanka
I may not retire from test cricket
but hell, am gonna retire for the night

There's a big game on tomorrow
And small mercies, I'm not playing
I'm gonna get better
and whip some one-day sides ass into shape
Till then, till then, it's not as bad as it seems
No sour grapes, no sour grapes, baby
I'm gonna snarl back into shape.
F*ck you dengue

On Bored: Get swell soon, Yuvraj

Shahid Afridi reacts after test defeat

click on cartoon

On Bored: Salman's Butt speaking



drawn on recycled paper

You are the Boom Boom!

You are the boom boom

BOOM BOOM!

You are the bass guitar

You the lead sitar

You are a rock band

You are the front man

You are Bono, Jagger, Jim and Jimmie

But you got stuck playing test cricket again.




On Bored: Ringside view of Afridi's retirement

Shahid Afridi's shocking new confession

On Bored: Afridi's batting practice

How Shahid Afridi claimed the captaincy.

On Bored: The Shahid Bhai, Shahid Bhai films

A peaceful protest against the banning of Pakistani cricketers.

On Bored: The return of Shahid Bhai, Shahid Bhai - The Big Ban

Afridi: Smart or smarting?

Why did he bite that ball? He wanted that suspension bad, real bad, so bad he didn’t want to lose a T20 to Oz. And as the T20 Champions that is not an option. Def not if you are captain. Afridi knows: this team can't win a test, a one dayer, a T20, heck, if they tried, they'll lose at book cricket. This is not a team. It is an ego trip.

Then again, there's another theory: he’s a bloody idiot. Does he drink and drive – if he does, what would it be – cricket ball juice. Picture Boom Boom stick a straw into a ball and drive. Weird but then so is he.

Though not half as weird as MoYo. But that's an altogether different story. Looks like someone pulled his leg, he hurt it, and pulled out of the 5th one dayer.



On Bored - Next: Afridi bites teammate

Over to Afridi

Left to himself, Afridi would like to play just the super over. And the IPL is one big Boom Boom super over, put him on a polygraph and the truth will out itself – “I’m confident, gimme the T20 or 20 balls and I will go Boom Boom – No thinking, just hitting, no thinking…”

Afridi is not alone, if you put others to the test, their love for T20 will come shining through, honestly. There is Rohit Sharma, who is forced to play Ranji, and then score a triple – can you imagine the torture – in the same time he could have played a few IPLs.

But Afridi is special. Today he plays yet another one day game, the fifth – string them together and five one day games make a test (and more) – no wonder he’s had a rough series. All along he’s been thinking, “I’m not confident, why are you giving me test when I want T20”

This is wrong: First you make MoYo captain, then Younis, ex-captain returns – and pressure too. Why have expectations when you have Afridi. Just let him play, but he can’t play as a follower, taking orders – if only there was the super sub rule, and he came and smashed the ball around for a few overs.

Now seeing as this is a post on Afridi It’s already way too long. 16 overs to go, kaptaan Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai! on next – life is a T20 again.


On Bored: Razzaqed (an attempt to unite India and Pakistan over cricket, again)

Aamer is actually seventeen.

Unlike Boom Boom Afridi who isn’t seventeen. Boom Boom plays like he’s seventeen, Aamer on the other hand, plays with the concern of an older man, someone MoYo’s age – MoYo of course didn’t play today.

When the chase was on in earnest, the importance wasn’t lost on the Pak players.

They were frozen in time – approx the time they lost it personally.

However MoYo looked miffed as he played with his beard. Word is the ICL will call him later tonight. Of course he won’t get a game there either.

But these are trivial pursuits, young Aamer, who goes by two names, one on his jersey, the other on the TV, was so cool, he deserves to break more records – I recommend he bat even lower than 10, and break the highest score by a No. 11 batsman.

Also thanks Aamer, from India, for helping us remember one Douglas Marillier, who until today had a world record to his name.

The record’s gone but the memories fresh. And if it isn’t, what do you think they made scorecards for?

Boom Boom

BOOM BOOM - JOHN LEE HOOKER IN THE BLUES BROTHERS

At a music store, Boom Boom caught my eye for obvious reasons. Enough said, shut up and listen.

What the f*ck won Pakistan the match

They gave a f*ck to start off with, India did not. India was a whinny, cribbing, sad misfit of a team. It didn’t gel, and still they nearly pulled it off, imagine.

For me two appeals won the game for Pakistan. First, Afridi’s appeal when MSD catwalked down the crease – he was way down, but the impact was in line – this is an old tennis ball cricket ploy that MSD uses, we all use it, come down the wicket, way far down, dekhi jayegi.

It wasn’t so much Taufel’s call as Afridi’s persuasion – how could he not give it out. There was belief in a victory, the dismissal, in the Boom Boom makes the world go around kinda thing

Taufel had to, because right then he knew, yes, I can see what you see Boom Boom, it is out.

And out it was. Enough of these stellar pranks of cruising down – even if you walk down to the other end, if the ball hits you in line, you’re out. Take that MSD.

Secondly, Ajmal’s appeal, who knew he had it in him – that was not an appeal, that was a cry for justice, to make good those years he’d lost in isolation (one day Mishra will appeal so).

It doesn’t matter where it hit Raina, bat, boot, leg – it hit that Steve Davis bloke right in the heart. The appeal moved him to tears.

He felt what Ajmal did, damn, even I knew it was out, because I felt the pain of Ajmal’s first class debut 12 years back, all those years waiting – for this moment, when Raina will be his, as will be victory.

Boom Boom Big Daddy Afridi!

Right now, even if Afridi wanted to, he cannot stop himself. He is part of some greater force that has taken hold of him. If there is one English word he knows, it is AGGRESSION. If he had a speech blurb next to him, it would read as “AGGRESSION” - all caps, in italics, for there’s that nonchalant stylised way when he says it. If he sang a song it would be 'I’m too Sexy for my cricket.'

Look at the way he treats players, younger, older, even retired players – did you see him pat that old war horse ex ICL masterji Naved ul Hasan, like a baby patted on his head, “Mamma’s gonna keep baby cozy and warm…”

The youngsters got their share of lovin’ too – but frankly the only part of the match I had any interest in was the post-match chat with BOOM BOOM. He didn’t disappoint. Had the chat gone on longer he would have spanked Rameez Raja– the winks were missing, but the slap on the back was there.

And Afridi talked aggression, how he told his boys, I am aggressive captain, you be aggressive too. That is simple. That is T20. Push, shove, bully, damn it, you gotta intimidate.

And when after a wicket, a camera pans right up his raised arm to that raised finger, you can almost expect a bolt of lightning to strike through. SFX: BOOM BOOM!

Question is, how long will it take Pakistani cricket to make Afridi the all powerful cricketing General. Another bloodless coup.

And we all know how ready Youis can be to abdicate, just the slightest murmur and he’ll be gone.


This was written last night, when the net was willing but the blogger was weak. Today it's not Afridi's day, today, it is Happy Bored Day!

From Flintoff to Afridi, how many degrees is that?

The third Ashes test starts Thursday, but then again, it could refuse to start. Like Flintoff’s body could refuse to start – that would be a story. But other than that there is nothing. Over the last week since England won Lord’s, the Ashes became a Champagne Supernova. Flintoff meanwhile, became a very rare vintage Champange Supernova, that was on.

But still, even Flintoff can’t take you through a week – so KP collapsed like Pakistan, and when we were done with him and the IPL and ECB and seven degrees of separation – that you and I were responsible for KP’s foot, my foot! - then came in Bell boy. How Bell boy sustained the English media is baffling. It’s the equivalent of Kaif in the limelight. Some things are not done. And when Bell boy was wrung out, it rained at Edgbaston.

The ground staff could be the only ones on the ground. What does that leave you with – a one-day international in Dambulla, Sri Lanka. Who knows, maybe it will rain there too, and we’ll all get what we want – another twenty20 game. In that case, will Shahid Afridi captain?

Shahid Afridi, are the teens finally over?

He bats, he bowls, he even wins you matches, let’s make him captain too. That sounds like Shakib Al Hasan’s job profile, so why can’t it be Shahid Afridi’s?

On the face of it, sounds eccentric for Afridi to even have a job profile, just doesn’t sit right. Can Afridi sit? Almost like Jatman-Sehwag and a job profile. Like bottling up dynamite! Listen, no matter how focussed dynamite is, it is still dynamite. For me, Boom Boom is still Bang Bang!

In the T20 World Cup final he was cool like a Collingwood. And he won that, didn’t he? Likewise in the semis. The Boom Boomers say, hasn’t he showed his credentials with Habib Bank, Sind and Karachi Dolphins over the years, and earned this. What, T20, make him captain of the one-day team, test side…ok, he doesn’t play tests or does he? The Boom Boomers will go to the extent of saying, why stop at captaincy, make him President of a political party – his raised arms will be a balm for Pakistan. He’s the real deal, not Imran Bhai.

Also in Boom Boom’s favour is experience and age – he’s been playing for what, 13 years now? He surely has another 13 years in him, and he can’t be more than 13 years’ old himself! Yeah, that’s why he behaves like a teenager every now and then! If Boom Boom had a song it would be, 13 till I die!

But then why try and cajole Younis Khan into captaincy? Is there a plan to make Younis the non-playing smiling T20 captain – handle rough interviews and rough players, is that YK’s job profile?

Still stranger, why appoint Boom Boom captain for the solitary T20 game v Sri Lanka? If he lifts another first ball to long-off, is that it for him? Show some faith, at least make him captain till the 2010 World Cup. It’s not as if it’s 4 years away. And Boom Boom will still be only 13 years’ old then.

But for me, Afridi should be captain because he’s a frigging character. After each wicket the team will strike ballet like poses, raised arms and all. The timing’s spot on, now if only Boom Boom can work things out without the psycho analyst or whatever he was. Else it’ll be, Honey I shrunk the team!


On Bored: Wasim's take on Boom Boom Afridi

Freddie, Yuvi, Roy, Boom Boom and the cool maan.

‘Ricky
is from Tasmania
But it’s tricky
for those who’re from Talisman-ia’

“Freddie is their talisman”. Through the Ashes, through the English summers, through every game that Freddie plays, you’re bound to hear, that cockney sparkle in Bumble’s voice announce, “make no mistake… Freddie is England’s talisman” It’s as if the word talisman was made to coexist with Freddie’s exploits. It didn’t matter how much or how little he did, he was Freddie Flintoff, he was England’s talisman – “and any ball now, any ball now, England could be released”

If Freddie is doing too little, or indisposed, that is easily explained by injury or lack of support from the other end – the price Freddie pays for being leader of the pack and being bowled into the ground or falling off the ship.

The closest to Freddie in the Indian ranks is Yuvi. Listen, how similar they sound – Freddie, Yuvi. And how both have similarly underachieved, yet in our heart’s eye, they’re simply the best. They can change the cricket world on its axis, and a game, with a glare. They aren’t entirely about cricket, nor can they be – their appeal is beyond sport, and for them, we are always game. We can't get enough of them – nor can the billboards or the bimbos. They are the quintessential star players.

Across the border, the closest such star that defies logic is Afridi. He has his own jingle – Boom Boom Afridi! It’s part of every Paki banner to every com box in every land that Boom Boom does or doesn’t do his Boom Boom in.

Another fascinating similarity between these players is how we accept them, almost in spite of themselves – “all is forgiven, come home Yuvi” Slack fitness, repeat injuries and offences are easily overlooked, rock star ways are wantonly indulged. It could have been Mick Jagger and not Freddie, and we wouldn’t have known the difference.

In the Windies, their super boy talisman is captain, Gayle. The yellow shades, the Rastafari swagger, every match is a T20 and I will bowl-a-few approach.

Australia had Symonds, and then Symonds had Australia, and then they both had enough – but teams like Pakistan, India, England, and even the Windies continue to challenge themselves.

Is it because these players do not just determine the outcome of a game, they dictate the very commerce of cricket.

Mildfred: What’re you rebelling against, Johnny?”
Johnny: Whaddya got?

They are the Johnnies, the wild ones, the rebels – and it doesn’t matter if they win a game, score a run, or run through the batting, the fact that they’re playing means anything can happen.

It’s as much their frailties as their super achieving powers that make them. We accept them not just because of what they do, but because of what they could have done.

We lost a game but had Yuvi fired we would have surely won. It is always within Freddie’s grasp. And like you saw, if Afridi gets firing you win the World Cup.

These guys do it on their own. With them it ceases to be a team sport. It is a one man show. And that’s what the movies are about. And that’s where we love to live. Because reality bites.



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