Mad Angles.

Mad Angles.

Appeared in the Hindustan Times on 25th March, 2008

Whilst shaving sharply, Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street, can appear within: look your mirror-eye in the eye, slide that razor down in a single clean swoop, and you can be Sweeneyed too. It’s that look: Take no prisoners. Give no quarter. Whatever will be, will be…

The demon barber, often no different from the unrepentant twenty20 bully – be he from the ICL, IPL, English leagues or from 20,000 leagues under the sea. A Killer Whale of a time anyone?

They are at heart all the same: heartless. They will plunder bowlers as if they were wealthy Indian provinces from the medieval ages. Paradoxically, a T20 player’s innings is fleeting, almost butterfly-like, but far from pretty.

Most shots are on, barring the scoop over short fine leg. That comes with a lifetime of Misbah-ul-Haq’s baggage. But lighten up, it’s T20 - anything goes, and everything has to go. Even Misbah says so, for he’s had other baggage these days, from not being picked first shot at the T20 auctions to that “look, I can ballet” run-out versus India in a test. $125,000 later, is Misbah happy? Or do MBAs have their own twenty20 standards?

But what about cricket’s brand names: too standard? Why twenty20? Why not Six and out? Or Kamikaze. Or even Quickie. Take test cricket. Ok, don’t. Consider one-day cricket. Better than Fifty50? However, T20 sure has a ring to it - almost like T2 –terminator II, the avenging angel.

A vendetta ridden warrior prince, is that the prerequisite for a past master T20 player? Yuvraj Singh hurled Chris Broad abroad for 6X6, after Mascarenhas took him for 5X6. Result: Even better than any 4X4.

Yuvraj is by far, the world’s premier T20 player today. He’s also a very emotionally charged battery. A Duracel bunny, if you please–best left unplugged. Last thing the opposition needs is to get under his collar. Leave that to the lasses. In his neck of the woods, men are Mafiosi movie stars: with v for vendetta vitriol in their veins. They ride Bullets. Mess with them and you mess with the family.

But does every player need a little tickle that fires the imagination – and then backfires, smack into the tickler’s face? Try calling Sachin, elephant - in the wild or in a room. He’ll go smash two ODI finals into oblivion. More than twice the wash-load of a T20 game but very much the desired impact: Dho dala, or taken to the cleaners. A provocation has the desired effect in any language. So, don’t mind your language.

And still they’re talking about putting a lid on sledging, on the field, in the press. What will cricket’s song be- “when the saints go marching in” Err? Not quite human, is it?

In a way, T20 cricket has masala, solid Indian spice to it. Came from England, but so did chicken tikka masala - and you know what inspired that. T20 too, is inspired by the Indian landscape, of Bollywood’s tried, tested, and often testing revenge and relief theme. Yet it works. And almost always plays to packed houses spilleth over. Took Gavaskar to say that, “Hindi films are made by asses for masses”

T20, bees saal baad (20 years too late?), but in time to sign up at R.K. Studios. Another Karz? Om Shanti Om? It’s the remix. DJ is in the dugout. Item girls in the open.

Now, if T20 can somehow capture the energy of an edgy test, then we’re on to something. And though there are just too many nationalities adrift in both the Indian leagues – you’d be mistaken to think, it’s the United Nations; hope they don’t get as diplomatic.
Instead, get in the face, in the farce. Think WWF, hopefully without “the con of man”. Think “The Da Vinci Code” sans the Latin. Think that in spite of critical reviews, hits happen.

E&OE

Six and in.

Appeared in the Hindustan Times on 12th November, 2007.

My six-year old friend, Vasudev has taken to cricket. Not in an air-fairy way, but in a possessed by the will of the cricket Gods kinda way. He was not always like this. Earlier, cricket was faddy, almost like something he took to perforce, because among the birthday gifts came a bat and a ball. And like the bicycle, scooter and drums, the seasons changed and so did his curious little interests.

Meanwhile, on my jaunts to his room, I used to request him for the cricket channel. He would almost always comply, but somewhat grudgingly shift from POGO. I would invariably feel the guilt of denying Vasu his daily dose of toons and make a hasty retreat, handing him the baton, the remote control.

Still I felt there was a hidden, almost waiting to be tapped love for the game. On the few occasions that we knocked around in the basement, and the street, he showed enough guile to take the ball on the half volley and smash it past my whirling waiting hands. Yeah, that’s the way you do it. Smash. Boom. Bang. Take no prisoners, kid.

When he was just a kid, (and that is a very small ballpark in kid years nowadays), little man Vasu floored me with his wide, unconventional batsman’s stance. Also did I mention, he was that rare breed – a Left Handed Batsman. Just like his grandpa, who had long given up on cricket’s avarice. However, when I did mention Vasu’s Gangulyesque style, he repeated, not for the first time, that he too was a Left Handed Batsman, and a wicketkeeper too. But that was it. Anyway, that was possibly the longest cricket chat we’d had in a while.

Next came the summer holidays, and Vasu was flung into a cricket camp. And I thought only Sehwag was batty enough to play through the Delhi summer. Evidently not. Yet the fervour was missing – possibly in both Sehwag and Vasu. Summer camp didn’t quite take off. And it looked as if Vasu’s waning interest in the great game was just another fling. You know how kids love to fling things around?

But then came the Twenty20. From no hopers and non-watchers, an entire nation embraced this new idiosyncratic form of cricket. I was glad to observe that Vasu and grandpa were both showing signs of growing up too – they were the new converts, diligently watching matches, lock stock and two smoking barrels.

And by the time India had smoked both Australia and Pakistan out, and won the T20 World Cup, both Vasu and his grandpa were yapping more cricket than me. Almost like Mr. Manmohan Singh reciting more poetry than Vajpayeeji. Hoola! Alaap?

The times are a changing. Vasu now fixates on even re-runs of antiquated games. We sit and watch no-brainers like India Blue vs. India Red. We chat up on Uthappa, MSD, Yuvi and Irfan. I sense the pulse and impatience of young Indian fans. If a savvy six year old city kid (already a captive market for advertisers) has forgotten about Sachin and Saurav, what will happen in a few years? How many heroes can the Indian cricket assembly line produce? Boy, it’s going to be tough capturing the ever-changing imagination.

Meanwhile, a minor setback. Vasu has not made his cricket team – he informs me cheerfully, as if he’s on the T20 victory parade to Wankhede. At first I don’t get it. Shouldn’t he be upset? And then I think about Uthappa and Gambhir – who in spite of their setbacks have only came back stronger. I smile. And ask him my pet cricket question, “ Who is your favourite cricketer today, Vachi?” Won’t you just love to know what he says?

Also in the same series: Cricket Santa!

Plan A, B & C for the Oval

Appeared in The Hindustan Times on 8th August, 2007.

What India must do to win the test series in England?

Plan A

Throughout the Oval test, India must play for a win and at no point give England the impression that they are content with a draw. That is bound to backfire.

Indian batsmen must play their “new” natural game without being over-attacking. At Trent Bridge, in spite of India’s modest run-rates (compared to England) and restrained top order, the final result was a win. There is no need to change tactics now. Continue to make the English come at you, rather than the other way round. This is in-sync with India’s new thinking which appears to be “Win Ugly rather than Lose Pretty”. So, even if you miss out on some flashy Tendulkar trademarks and VVS specials, there are always the Sports’ archives.

Do not target Kevin Pietersen with banter - he is at his most vicious then. It’s common knowledge that KP is his own worst enemy and often self-destructs. Stick to a conservative plan - do not set over-attacking fields, nor get too defensive too early. But always have a few players in the midfield for that mistimed heave. Sree Santh should stay out of KP’s way; it can cost India dearly.

Target Michael Vaughan. After KP, the English captain is the team’s strongest link. Looking back at the Trent Bridge test, Vaughan was even more stirred after Sree Santh’s beamer to Pietersen. With his reputation of not losing a home-series under siege, Vaughan does not appear his usual cool self. Someone should get under the English skipper’s skin – it may not be a bad idea to have Zaheer Khan or one of the youngsters assigned this job.

Target Monty Panesar. After the new ball, Monty is England’s biggest weapon. Though Tendulkar and co came down the track at Trent Bridge, at no point did they hit him out of the attack. If Panesar is ripped into, Vaughan will be forced to over-bowl the three seamers or even bowl part-timers Collingwood and himself. That’s when it can all go terribly awry for Vaughan. Also, India could even promote Dhoni to target Panesar. The game can be won and lost depending on how the Indians handle Panesar.

Do not ignore strategy on key players like Collingwood, Strauss, Cook, Bell or even Prior. Even though these players haven’t had a remarkable series yet, they are capable of big scores, and have done so in the past. Collingwood’s stature in English cricket is on the rise – a street fighter to the core, he can counter attack, and win a match on his own. Be it with bat, ball or in the field with that match defining catch. India should be weary of him. He has an intensity that makes him ideal for pressure cooker situations. He is also England’s new ODI captain, and could be the next test captain. After KP and Vaughan, he is the wall to breach.

Lastly, India must have a Plan B. And that doesn’t mean Brad Pitt’s film production company.

Plan B

If Kevin Pietesen gets away, India should not hesitate to pull off a Naseer Hussain or Ashley Giles on him – that is, have Anil Kumble or another part-time spinner bowl a negative leg stump line to him. The English have in the past tried it with a more prolific Tendulkar. It often frustrates attacking players and causes them to alter their game. It is no use attacking KP for long periods, watching him zip from 50 to 100 to his favourite score of 158. The Aussies will vouch for that.

Dravid should be alive to key periods in the game – when the balance is shifting towards England. That’s the time for him to refrain from overzealous 7-2 fields and realize that Zaks is no Pigeon. Or for that matter, Jumbo is no Warnie.

Also, India must have a Plan C.

Plan C

On the fifth day, if it appears England is closing in on a win, India must not hesitate to do all it can to secure a draw. And if that means playing downright dirty, so be it. It’s worth remembering, the Australians did not become the world’s best test team by playing pretty.

“For you, a hundred times over.”

(appeared in The Hindustan Times, 7th February, 2007)

You hardly expect an ex-English captain, from recent times, to plug the virtues of one-day hundreds. More so, if the man in question is Nasser Hussain, who scored his first and last one-day hundred versus India in that blessed NatWest “326 run-chase” Final. But that’s Nasser Hussain for you, on air. Amazing what you don’t have, needles you the most – and that’s the deal with England – just not enough players scoring one-day hundreds. Ok, there was one player – Marcus Trescothick. And Hussain never failed to impress upon viewers the importance of Tresco’s twelve gems. After Mr. T, England lucked out with Kevin Pietersen, who has scored some unbelievable hundreds – one of a last ball too. But that’s only two players out of an ever-changing batting lineup. Worse, without these two big guns, England’s truly in the dumps down-under. It’s another matter that Tresco and KP have only fifteen hundreds between them. And out of the present lot, only Flintoff (3) and Collingwood (2) have scored hundreds. Incredibly, the other ex captain, Michael Vaughan has an ODI high (and dry) of 90.

Now, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist from the coach’s support staff to highlight the criticality of a one-day hundred. Let’s take Tendulkar’s 100 not out from Vadodara (31st January, 2007) as a pointer; victory aside, what did the century achieve?

1) Defined the innings for 25 overs. 2) With Sachin set, the D company (Dravid and Dhoni) played their natural game 3) Increased confidence in dressing room to delirious levels - even the hapless Pathan was smiling; support staff was waving. 4) Increased frustration in the fielding side – dropped catches, missfields, confused tactics – even Gayle didn’t bowl his full quota 5) blocked fall of wickets – India lost only 3 wickets and scored heavily in the last 10 – compared to previous game where both Dravid and Tendulkar fell for half centuries, and India collapsed subsequently. 6) Man of the Match and Man of the Series for Mr. Sachin Tendulkar (Mister being a new addition in the roll call) – prior to this, he had scored a sketchy sixty odd in a lost game, and three wickets from two games 7) A flat screen tv and a bike for SRT

It can be argued that Tendulkar scored his hundred on the last ball, and as such, his knock had less impact on India’s innings, than a more prolific 150 plus score that defines the complete innings. But then, may be this 76 ball-bazooka was Sachin’s way of staking claim for his favourite openers’ slot. Also, SRT opening is a sure shot way to bat Sehwag in the middle order. Not to forget, Veeru the extra spinner. But what about the unstoppable Uthappa? Will he not be played for a few games (against Lanka), and like Dinesh Karthik, public memory will relegate him to the Kaifs and Powars. Out of sight, out of mind, out of team…

Whatever it be, with the 41st one-day hundred and a soft-spoken yet somewhat hurt post-match interview – a jab at not caring what x, y and z thought, and how he knows his game; at least Sachin gave his thoughts much needed expression. And like Nasser Hussain will tell you (remember his jersey-number finger pointing to the media enclosure at Lord’s NatWest Final)– there’s no better time, than after a well-made hundred. Then again, Saurav Ganguly might disagree about post-100 disclosures, as would Greg Chappell.

On the flip side, in spite of this comeback hundred, there now exists an insurmountable gap between SRT and his once blindly unified fan base.

Once upon a time when Sachin Tendulkar scored his magnificent hundreds, you could almost hear him promise us, “For you, a hundred times over”. And we willed him on and he himself. And everything was so damn achievable. The fifty test 100s that SMG spoke about – and how he would personally spank Sachin if he scored any less. And we laughed in unison, because we believed in the joke. We didn’t think it was a joke.

Today, even though most believe he may not score many more 100s, should one doubt his intent? Questioning his intent is a slap at our belief and everything we once believed in. A slap on Sachin - The miracle boy. The magic man. The injured mortal. And any good cricketer will tell you, the timings just not right. You either believe or you have never watched Sachin Tendulkar bat. Get a life.

Mapping the fan's mind

Appeared in The Hindustan Times on December 26, 2006

The times are a deranging. First, India’s blacked out four-nil in the one-dayers. It’s declared that new blood is bad blood; blue blood is reinstated. India does bloody well and wins their first ever test in South Africa. About time too - there’s a limit to dissecting insects called defeats. In such foreign times, all’s forgotten and anything goes. Idle cricket banter begets more idle-cricket-banter.

So why not introspect and know what type of cricket fan you are - even if you’re not. Because, ‘there’s no way out of here, when you come in, you come for good’ – that’s by somebody who also sang ‘Money’ - which makes for riveting cricket chat. But that’s an altogether different beast, and doesn’t go with the good cheer of Christmas and the euphoria of an overseas test win. So, without further ado, let’s delve into ourselves. And see, how deep is our love?

Antarctic Cricket Fan (ACF): She’s so cold…ice cream cold to cricket. She usually comes in the shape of a woman (wife, girl friend, socialite). In her life, she’s seen one game – that too the final balcony scene after India won the Prudential Cup final. Has very un-cricket memories of that evening – drunk daddy with dodos. Mention the C word, and she shudders like a junkie/looks through you like Superman/vanishes like MP after elections.
Avoid ACFs at all costs.

Swiss Cricket Fan (SCF): Neutral and into banking. Expect a well-balanced bro-in-law type. Talk cricket, and they nod politely/change subject politely/‘excuse-me-please’ politely. Live cricket scores below the Sensex listings on CNBC are a minor-irritant.
Confront SCF’s nod only when a blank wall is your only other companion.

Italian Cricket Fan (IF): Gives the impression: likes to eat C, drink C, sleep C, and even sleep with C. Think Shantaram. With soccer season, is all for Arsenal. Also follows tennis. Favourite players: Anna Kournikova and Sania Mirza.
Engage ICF only when you are so-many-pints-down that you can’t see-thru his phoniness.

French Cricket Fan (FCF): Livid at best of times, and downright rude when India loses. Speaking to FCF, you feel accountable for those 8 ODI lashings (in South Africa and West Indies). Also, they slam Sachin’s stint at Lashings ‘scoring against kids, what next?!’
Converse with FCF only if you are in a furious FCF frame-of mind, troubled by the Ad mullah cricketer’s make but you cannot.

German Cricket Fan (GCF): Is an active behind-the-scenes campaigner for making umpires redundant. Behind techi-innovations like hawk-eye and stump-cam.
Best to meet GCF over the phone.

Bollywood Cricket Fan (BF): Earliest experience of cricket was in the Bodyline series on DD, followed by Lagaan and Iqbal, many full moons later.
According to BCF, Bradman’s a great actor and Iqbal should be selected instead of Pathan.

Yankee Cricket Fan (YCF): For him, every country – and every team is his. During the ’05 Ashes, he became an MBE; but when Oz wins in ‘06, he’s with the Invincibles; Balmy army to Bharat army to Armageddon – he’s always there to oil his pockets.
Beware: there’s an YCF in all of us. That’s what they mean by Americanization of the world, dude.

Israeli Cricket Fan (ICF): He could belong to any age group, but wears the scars of partition as if he left Lahore, you know when. His basic concern is India v/s Pak games – after India beat Pak on March 1st, 2003 (a day he’ll never forget), he stopped watching the World Cup. Chances are, he flew in from Chicago to South Africa just for that game. Mention India in the hopeless Cape (ODIs), and he’ll bark, ‘Sowhat? India beat Pakistan in South Africa.’
With ICF, you ride the emotional roller coaster thru Indo-Pak encounters. Much more fun if you enjoy ‘Omkara’ style bad language.

Bharat Cricket Fan (BCF): Thinks himself to be the greatest cricket fan ever. And you know what, he probably is.
Any non-C conversation with BCF is bound to be nonsense.

Belated Happy Birthday Mr. S.R. Tendulkar.

Appeared in The Hindustan Times in May, 2006

On 24th April, somewhat predictably, a page in most dailies was dedicated to Sachin Tendulkar’s Birthday, his glory days et al. There was also an un Wasim Akram like article toasting Tendulkar, allegedly written by Wasim Akram. Overall stats, and comparisons with Inzi and Lara too, were predictably in place. It all looked imposing, and gave one the impression that everything had been hunky dory all along.

Strange, for not too long back, most of these papers, barring none, had made a business punning away on Tendulkar – what was it, Endulkar? Sports’ correspondents and even P3P reporters sharpened their pen knives – the end was nigh story was hot enough for the City supplements to go to town with.

Then the stats and comparisons were a lot less gracious – they tended to highlight Tendulkar’s loss of form in both ODIs and tests – to undermine them further, there were comparisons with top scorers through 2005-06 like Ricky Ponting and Rahul Dravid, both of whom were going through the best form of their lives. It didn’t matter then, that both players’ career averages were just a shade above Tendulkar’s, in spite of a genuine slump in the latter’s cricketing fortunes. And that Sachin’s achievements were over 132 tests and 16 years, compared to say, 100 tests and fewer years’ played, for both Ponting and Dravid. As for ODI overall comparisons between the three players, Tendulkar is ahead in terms of games played, runs, hundreds and strike rate. But with new forces emerging in international cricket, records are being bettered and battered.

As for the battering Sachin’s body took over sixteen years, it was communicated via graphic bio-class-like diagrams – tennis elbow became the biggest joke and Docs (sports expert or not) specialised on Sachin’s body and his chances to recuperate. Astrologers starred in the Sachin show – there was talk of new-jersey numbers, good years and bad years ahead. Leading cricket websites churned out highly analytical articles, giving more credence to the Endulkar theory. They were crisp, cutting and caustic.

Across news channels, pre and post match debate fussed about Sachin’s loss of form/ability. Question hour after matches resembled pandemonium in Parliament – and whenever Sachin scored frugally, the nation was up in arms – crazy callers voiced their dementia, far lesser cricketers (retired and fired) indulged in senseless rhetoric about what plagued Sachin Tendulkar.

Not surprisingly, Sunil Gavaskar repeatedly went on record in his column, not only supporting Sachin, but also avoiding needless criticism. At times, when Sachin failed, he discreetly didn’t mention him. And when India won handsomely minus Sachin, he spoke in positives, rather than dwell on the negatives. When Sachin was at the peak of his powers, SMG on TV, in all seriousness declared if Sachin didn’t score 50 test hundreds he’d personally spank him. And when Sachin equaled his 34 hundreds, he was the first to jump with joy in the commentary box. Also through this tumultuous time, another big supporter of Sachin’s has been his childhood buddy, Vinod Kambli. One may argue that this is the good old Mumbaiya network at play again? But then, how do you explain SMG’s relentless support for a down and out Saurav Ganguly? It possibly takes a player, and at times more than that, to appreciate true class, and know when to go easy.

Suggestions were also made that the same rules should apply to all players - Sachin, Saurav, Kaif and Sehwag. The Saurav episode has lost all perspective and appears to be a shut case. With Kaif, it is clear the team management sees a long-term possibility in him – at least till the 2007 world cup for now. And the way he’s been in-and-out of the test side, it appears just, to say the least. With Sehwag, the press got a tad impatient – and ironically, here the comparisons with Tendulkar emerge again. Granted, that Sehwag has gone through indifferent ODI form in 2005-06 (and his last ODI hundred has been a while), but is the press aware, that till only yesterday, when Sehwag scored over 40, India’s winning chances were above 80%. Have we lost sight that India’s ODI successes before Yuvraj’s run-of-form and pre-Dhoni were largely scripted by Sachin and Sehwag, not to mention Saurav? Ironically, all three under siege are highly successful ODI openers. One lost his position, and consequently his place in the team. Now, Dravid has started to open, wonder what lies ahead?

Irrespective of the future of Indian cricket, it’s clear that the cricket pundits and experts, balanced as they have tried to be, have been sucked in by a topical madness that has hit the nation – it appears they are coming to grips with the supposed end of a national treasure, akin to, the dry up of the Ganges. Who do you blame when something like that happens? You blame the Ganges, right?

For once, however, everyone must realise that the Ganges becomes fallible, because it is corrupted by its millions of devotees. And it’s no different with Sachin Tendulkar.

Runs have flowed from his bat for sixteen years. They have made believers out of infidels. And if someone finds that tough to fathom, at least, save us this travesty. At least don’t stab him in his already vulnerable back one day, and then do an about face, and bear hug on the next. It would be apt like an acquaintance to send one of those Belated happy birthday….Mr S.R. Tendulkar. Yeah, he won’t mind that at all.